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 Review #4746744 |
 |  | The Outer Discovery  [E] A strange galactic anomaly is investigated.  |
| (3.5)  This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Hi brom21 .I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reviewing your offering "The Outer Discovery" . The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer, and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. I found your item on the Read & Review feature, and since I enjoy reading Science Fiction, I couldn't pass by. I have to say that while your Title didn't hook me in, I found your Brief Description did. What kind of anomaly might it be? Good job with that.You present a well thought out scenario for both what the anomaly may be and for using the transport system to go and examine the anomaly. But place yourself in the shoes of each person involved. Is that how you would sound if talking to an old friend, and in trying to convince someone to do something they shouldn't do? When I'm writing such a scenario, I try to make it sound as real as possible. Think about it this way--if you were writing this for a television movie would the conversation sound differently? You presented a nice twist for the ending. But I fear the Earth citizens accepted their ultimate fates a bit quickly. The scenario felt rushed--like they didn't really think things through with the proper consideration. But for that I really enjoyed your storyline. I believe it needs to be tightened up.  Editorial Thoughts. May I suggest you really hook your reader in by starting your story differently, perhaps like this:It was night. Suddenly an explosion of red light erupted in the heavens so bright it made it seem like day. It lasted for several seconds until it abated leaving a red spot in the sky. (Add any other information about the "explosion of red light" that you desire.) Then start a second paragraph with something like: Until then, the citizens of Altivus were going about their business, bustling about in every quarter. (doing all the things you mentioned). I think this will really entice your reader to stay and finish reading your story.  Technical Considerations. I think the biggest problem with longer stories is so many of them here on Writing.Com use the default font and size (3.0). Honestly the use of a good san serif font as you did works better than a serif font of that small size. But I feel (and many others I've spoken to here agree) a larger font size (minimum 3.5) is much easier to read. You use your dialogue to good advantage. But check it closely for missing or improperly placed punctuation. You have a large number of these errors. Such as adding a comma after 'us': “You think they are lying to us Professor Grail?” Consider reading your story out loud. I believe you'll hear problems before you see them. If you're like me, when you read silently, especially after editing a piece several times, you tend to skip words. Some of the conversations don't sound very ... uh, conversational. They come across a bit stilted and not like two people would talk to each other. Reading aloud will also help you flesh out those conversations. “Preferring to enter vortex,” Change 'Preferring' to 'Preparing'. Professor Grail step out of the compartment ... Change 'step' to 'stepped'. We have waited or you. Change 'or' to 'on'. “I am very curios, Change 'curios' to 'curious'. My Rating. 3.5. You have a great storyline with great potential. But as I mentioned the delivery of your lines needs to be more realistic. Thank you for sharing your offering.
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You responded to this review 04/23/2024 @ 6:00pm EDT