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 Review #4746855 |
 | Checkmate  [13+] The late summer night when Mrs. Richards lost the last chess game of her life  |
| (4.5)   You are receiving this review of "Checkmate" in connection with {item:"Game of Thrones" I hope you find my comments helpfulOpening Paragraph: You story opening sets the story world and the mood well. Mrs. Richards' death even though explained as a heart attack, seems to have more importance to the story that simply her passing. The way you handled that left me intrigued and wanted to learn what importance her death actually had on the story. I felt myself sliding into the story world with your vivid descriptions: The late-summer night was slowly coming to an end, though the veil of mist that was covering the valley had not yet cleared. The crickets stopped chirping and the owl returned to its nest. The rest of the paragraph is a continuation of your ability to pull the reader into the surrounding. Very well done. You depict the drama well with the description in the third paragraph: Suddenly, the dogs stopped barking and one could clearly hear the sound of water drops falling from the leaves as a shadow slipped into the forest near the edge of the valley and disappeared between the trees, unseen, unrecognized by anyone living in the few houses around. The branches closed quietly behind it as if it had been only an apparition, not part of this world. The 'not part of this world' is what, for me, brought the drama crashing into the story. You have a real ability to use words to paint an image. Well done! Items that might benefit from your further attention: Using active voice helps to keep the flow of a story moving smoothly. You wrote: Everything stood still for a moment, as if to anticipate the events that were about to unfold, then the valley came to life again. Beads of morning dew were still sitting all over the grass and the bushes, but the first rays of the sun had already pushed through the faint fog. Could this description have been made more succinct by Beads of morning dew sparkled on the grass and surrounding bushes. Again here: They never asked where the bruises on her face were coming from. May I suggest: They never asked her where the bruises on her face came from. And... It was Mr. Morgan who alarmed the police. Did you mean, It was Mr. Morgan who alerted the police? Final Thoughts: I like the way you close the story with Buster finding the black knight by the cave entrance. Leaving the story there enables the writer to form his/her own thoughts about the story. Did Mr. Richards visit his wife the night of her death? Did they drink tea and begin a game of chess? Was Mrs. Richards responsible for her husband's death years before? All of these questions left me thinking about the story long after I finished reading. Well written with lots of drama to the reader to consider. I enjoyed reading this short story. Bikerider  This review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/21/2024 @ 2:23pm EDT