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 Review #4747343 |
 | Language Lesson  [GC] The language of desire (First Person Narrative)  |
| (4.0)| A "Game of Thrones" by Gaby  ReviewStoryline: A weekly quickie entry, trying to show a passionate encounter within a 969-word limitation. I know how difficult these stories can be. Your main character is awake and ready to start a passion-filled journey with his lover. Spelling/Grammar Issues: none. Description/emotion: The descriptions were there, taking the reader on your main characters discoveries and anticipation of what was to come. What was missing for me was the connection between the reader and the main character. While you described what was happening, the sounds, and what he saw, I wondered what he felt during all of this. That led to the disconnect. For example when she groans, how did he feel? Was it music to his ears, did that push his excitement forward? First-person can be difficult when it comes to erotica. You also had the prompt of the story being limited to foreplay only. That's when all of these inner thoughts and feelings really need to take hold and be shown. Heat rising to his skin, when he touched her softness it was like...a warm pillow, a feather, etc. What are his reactions aside from the physical? Overall Impression: You still have words to play with here. If you ever decide to give it an edit, it wouldn't take much for this short story to really shine. Think in terms of taste, what did he taste? She touched him, how did that make him feel? Any ripples down his spine? Shivering? Things of that nature to connect the reader to him. The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  
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