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Review #4748069
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Tinkering Dreams Open in new Window. [ASR]
Harold had never been lucky. Orphaned and fired. Still had dreams though.
by Ms. TerrifyingTuber Author Icon
Review of Tinkering Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

I don’t think I’ve ever read a steampunk story before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I liked the idea of the automata Harold, or Hal, as he is now known, was building. The way this activity started was quite poignant - the last thing he did while his father was still alive was his first creation. His father’s death was tragic as well, and at this point I thought the cruel factory owner, the police officer, the orphan girl, and the plot were something Dickens could have come up with. So you did well with the setting and the characters. I wasn’t sure where the story might be going, and it had a bit of an unfinished feel to it, like it was only an introduction and there was a lot more to come.


*PenG* Suggestions:

I noticed a few small errors:

His voice was like acid as he annunciated the question.
I wasn’t sure if you meant ‘annunciated’ here, or maybe ‘enunciated’?

drawing the Harrison's eye
Omit ‘the’.

He flinched raising a hand
I believe you need a comma after ‘flinched’.

It's more proper for these parts." She said.
As the sentence continues with the dialogue tag after the closing speech marks, the period should be a comma and ‘she’ should start with a lowercase letter.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I don’t know if this was written for a contest with a specific word limit but if it wasn’t, I would consider expanding on this tale. I feel it would be interesting if you could circle back to the opening and have Mr Harrison find out how successful Harold is, and perhaps bring Old Tom back as well to help Harold. Sorry, I’m getting carried away - what can I say, I enjoyed the story and couldn’t help but think how it might continue!




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