Hi NaNotatoGo! .

I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Mall Misadventure" .

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

  Overall Impression. I do so enjoy reading comedy. There's not much better that reading something that puts a smile on your face. Even better, that the read makes you laugh out loud.

I like your title and description. Both gave your reader an idea what to expect.

"Schmaltzy"--that's a good feeling word one doesn't see often. But it makes me smile.

You must have young ones. Or, at the very least, taken care of small persons. I say persons because they do have minds of their own. And they exercise them as if the neurons careening around their head each have a task that must be carried out immediately.

My wife and I raised four and with each of them 21 months apart, we had all four under six years of age. I think vacationing as a family didn't really occur until the youngest was four. At least the two older could help with the younger.

You don't say for certain, but I assume Marcy is single and is 'shooting from the hip' in caring for the two little ones. I'm impressed with her abilities, and your portrayal of those abilities in your story. Your depiction of Allen's food dilemma brought back memories of my own circumstances.

I loved your ending. But it got swallowed up with your prompt information. It's a small thing but even adding one more line spacing between the end of your story and the word count/prompt would help. As structured now with a double spacing of paragraphs, it doesn't set your ending apart.

Perhaps even changing the font or size of the prompt info will help.


  Technical and Editorial Considerations. I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing here--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

          You have a sentence followed by a fragment. Either combine the two for a longer sentence, or make the fragment a complete sentence.  Allen made sure all the fish got fed. Though he made Marcy touch the slimy anchovy to feed to the sturgeon ...  There are other instances in your story. Read your story out loud and you'll hear those spots.

          Punctuation-wise, I believe a dash would work better than a semi-colon.  the dreaded affair was coming; lunchtime.  

          Need an apostrophe in 'thats'.  "No thats silly,"  

My Rating.  4.5. 

Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .