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Review #4750481
Viewing a review of:
 The Kiss Open in new Window. [E]
An Author is called to a rundown mansion by a mysterious lady. His life changes forever.
by Bearclaw Author Icon
Review of The Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

That was a very intriguing start. Too bad that the story ended before it really began. You teased in the description that the author’s life would change forever, and the title indicates that a kiss would be involved, but none of that is in this first chapter, or beginning of the first chapter. You did a good job though because now I want to know what happened! One of the genres is horror, so I assume that either Jessica’s story is going to contain something terrible, or something is going to happen to Jonathan while he is staying at her house. There aren’t really any clues as to where this might be leading, and since the story isn’t new I don’t suppose you’re going to add to what you have here. Unless you have already written it and just not posted it, in which case, please let me know and I would be happy to read on!


*PenG* Suggestions:

I wasn’t sure if this might have been written for a contest with certain words as prompts because there were some randomly capitalised words - Marble, Walnut, Alabaster, Writer, Fireplace, Blood Red Roses, Hell and Author jumped out at me. If that is the case, I would suggest putting them in bold rather than capitalising them because otherwise, you get annoying readers like me telling you they are typos *Laugh* Unless, of course, they are typos.

My footsteps echoed off the Marble floors and the Walnut paneling I imagine it was gorgeous
I think you need a period after “paneling”.

Shall we go into the study and be more relaxed.
This is a question so you need a question mark at the end.

pieces f furniture stagged around the room
“pieces of furniture. And I wasn’t sure what you meant by “stagged” - “staged”, maybe?

staring at me whimsical
“whimsically”

Ome long overdue.
Again, I wasn’t sure what this was meant to say. “One” long overdue? Or “It’s” long overdue?

If it is okay will you I will
“with” you.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

It’s a shame that this story was so short because it sounded like you had an interesting idea but didn’t get to finish it. Perhaps, if it’s too daunting to go for a long story with several chapters, you could try telling the tale in a short story instead. I hope that you do finish the tale!




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