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 Review #4750631 |
 | Emilia and Sepet - the story continues  [13+] Sepet's secrets reach a fevered pitch with Emilia.  |
| (4.0)| Hi Wordsmith John ,I am reviewing your short story, "Emilia and Sepet - the story continues" , as one of the judges for March's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering, and good luck!This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.What I liked:  I have to confess to not having read many vampire stories before. Of the ones I have read, this one is the best. It is interesting and has an angle of jealousy that I really liked. In terms of a sidekick stealing the show, Emilia definitely took over and became the strongest character. The most likeable, also. When Sepet called Emilia Justina, I really sat up and took notice. I couldn't wait to meet Justina. I knew she had to be someone important to Sepet. And she was. I wonder what his plans were for Emilia, now he was marrying Justina and replacing her. Or did he plan to keep both of them? You did mention that three centuries had passed between his wedding to Justina and the present. I guess that's a long time to stay faithful to one person! I loved your description of the count as having "black eyes." That made me smile. I also think the description of only half the wedding guests drinking champagne, and the other half drinking a "Merlot-colored win" is brilliant. Suggestions: My main suggestion is to watch your tenses. You switch between the past and present tense quite a lot, and it is quite off-putting. For example, in the first paragraph you say, "Emilia believes that the wedding feast wasn't intimate enough ..." It is present tense. Then, the next paragraph, you have, " ...the meal was far from expected, and only a third of the guests ate." Most of the story is past tense, but there are some switches. Additionally, I wondered why Emilia gave Justina her blood, when she had said she wanted to spare her from, "... despair, sorrow for a life lost, and eternal loneliness." Surely, turning her into a vampire — even if Emilia is the one who does it — will cause all of those things? Parting comments: This is an enjoyable story. It has made me more interested reading more of thins genre, and I thank you for that. Choconut
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