%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4750643 |
| Hi Bobby Lou Stevenson  I am reviewing your short story, "Invalid Item" , as one of the judges for March's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering, and good luck!This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.What I liked: Oh, what a tale of sweet revenge!  When I first read this, and I got to the part where Katie died, I knew it was down to Mary. Your descriptions of her leave no doubt in the reader's mind that any evil and wrong-doing in this story world will be down to her. Or maybe not quite all. Even her own parents' death, it seems, was because she didn't want them to adopt a puppy. What an evil woman Mary was. When Mary was looking through the chest and found Katie's babies, it was actually quite moving. I know what it's like to pack away the toys of beloved pets once they have passed away. But Mary wasn't sad. She was angry because she hated Katie for taking up some of her parents' love. There was a moment where I thought the actual remains (which would have probably just been bones) of Katie would be in the chest. I was glad it was just her toys. This made me smile: "Surely, a bad batch of glue was used when she was put together." That's a great description. It says so much about this woman. You do a great job with letting the reader know how despicable Mary is, which makes the ending, where Katie's babies attack her, something that pleases us.Suggestions: "Mary Hannon’s physical appearance was in perfect harmony with her deportment and personality." This doesn't tell us a lot about Mary. Because you have taken the time to explain her personality, I know what you are saying here, but I feel like I would have liked to have just an item or two of description. On the flip side, there are a couple of times where you have added descriptive words and they aren't necessary. For example, "With calloused scorn, she contemptibly sneered ..." I don't think the sentence would lose anything if you took out calloused and contemptibly. Parting comments: This is an imaginative story with a whole host of characters who stole the show away from Mary, and I enjoyed reading it. Choconut
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
You responded to this review 05/09/2024 @ 8:59pm EDT