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 Review #4750698 |
 | Nowhere is safe.  [E] Winner! Write a story that includes the line: "It's not safe in there"  |
| (4.5)   HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   Greetings, A*Monaing*Faith! I am reviewing this because today is your 12th anniversary here at Writing.com! Time flies here, doesn't it?!  First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. The Positives/What I Liked I noticed right away that you included a cover image which matches your story title. Excellent choice! You also filled in all three genres...Good job.  In your intro summary, you include the word "Winner!" Congratulations!!!  Your first two lines definitely pull the reader in: "You may want to stay out of my head doc. It's not safe in there." Great hook.  It definitely made me want to read more, especially when I read, It's not safe in there. it was easy to lean my head back and stare at the stucco ceiling. Nice visual. You did a nice job with your characters, especially Jeremy. It's not easy writing Flash Fiction and accomplishing well-rounded characters, believable dialogue, conflict, and visuals in less than 300 words. Very impressive! Suggestions/Comments to ConsiderThere were a couple places where a comma was needed when a character was addressed:  stay out of my head doc. --> stay out of my head, doc. "And why do you say that Jeremy?" --> "And why do you say that, Jeremy?" In Paragraph 5, you seemed to have switched from past tense to present tense: I actually feel the whole story would read nicely as present tense, but that's a preference, not a correction. However, you should stay consistent either way.  Final ThoughtsIf this was the beginning of an actual book, I'd be very tempted to read it. It might make a great psychological thriller! You are obviously a talented writer. Have a great day and... K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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