Hi Dee I'm Bikerider .


Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item" 
Author: Dee
Reviewer: Bikerider



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Please use this link to see how I rate an item "Comment-In-A-Box" . I hope you find my comments helpful.

First Thoughts/Hook:

The opening paragraph sets the stage well. It's obvious that there is excitement in the air and that something big is about to happen.


Characters:

You did a great job showing Amelia's emotions, which made her authentic and brought her to life. Her emotions are what would be expected under the circumstances of the story.

I like Henry. He is obviously a very accomplished cellist, but when he goes to Amelia, compliments her playing and then invites her on stage to perform with him, you made him real. The softness of his dialogue fits his character well.

Story Setting:

You did an excellent job of showing the story setting; the music hall with its whispering guests, the musicians tuning their instruments, and later the thunderous applause. This all works well to show the reader the story world. Well done.

What I Liked:

You did a good job setting up the conflict. Amelia thought about the guest cellist like an unwavering shadow. She couldn't shake off the nervous flutter that danced in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about competing with such a renowned musician. It's obvious that the conflict is coming and what it involves. Well done!

Suggestions:

I do question one thing in the opening paragraph. With its sheer size and majestic design, the hall was impressive, amplifying sounds and causing them to echo throughout the space. I'm not a musician, I only play the radio, but somehow I don't think an echo is a music hall is a good thing. Acoustics are usually made to absorb sound to eliminate an echo.

You wrote: While Amelia watched Henry cavort across the stage, his shoes scuffing the polished wood with each exaggerated step, her lips curled into a frown. He shot her a roguish wink, igniting laughter among the musicians still tuning their instruments. In a previous paragraph you wrote that the musicians had stopped when the conductor's baton lingered in the air.

You wrote: She envied his carefree attitude minutes before the curtain rose, though she bristled at his unprofessional antics. If the orchestra is seated behind the curtain, how did the audience notice Henry's antics?

The scent of roses and perfume made her nauseous as she watched the crowd respond to Henry's appreciation. Amelia leaned against the concrete wall to steady herself. It would be good to explain to the reader where the roses and perfume came from.

All of these are minor things that are easy to fix.

Final Thoughts:

The vivid descriptions you used to show the reader the music as it filled the hall shows that you have an obvious talent for using words to paint a picture. The descriptions used in this piece are very well done.

You used emotions to bring the characters to life, which is no always easy to do, but you did it well.

I enjoyed reading this short story, thank you for sharing your writing.

Bikerider

ps Thank you for you patience.









My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .