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 Review #4754534 |
 | The Omnipotent Him  [13+] Tonight's Blue Moon and Halloween is rare. To Him, time is important. Contest Short Shots.  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I think you had an interesting idea here. The story started all dark and mysterious with a god and his four henchmen preparing to take over or destroy the world , but then switched to a lighthearted tale about four teenage girls wanting to have fun on Halloween. When the two parts of the story came together, the evil beings were thwarted by water, electricity and a tree branch. Their god wasn’t pleased with them, and the girls never really figured out what had happened. It wasn’t the kind of fun they had hoped for, but I’m sure it was scarier than anything they had planned so it was fitting for the day!  Suggestions: The story would benefit from an edit. I realise that this isn’t a new story so you might not want to spend a lot of time on this and I’ll keep it short. The first thing I would suggest is to add a line break between the paragraphs. I believe for printed work, there are generally no line breaks but online, it makes it easier for the readers. I also think it’s a good idea to include the prompt for the story at the beginning or end so the readers can see what inspired it. I looked up what the prompt was for this contest and it’s a really cool picture (and I can see how your story related to it) but many readers wouldn’t go to the trouble of looking for it, and sometimes it’s impossible to find, so it helps to post it with the story. The other thing I noticed that you use a lot of dialogue but you might need to look at your punctuation again. When a sentence continues with a dialogue tag after the speech, you need a comma instead of a period before the closing speech marks. For example, this line: “Okay.” they responded in unison. should be “Okay,” they responded… There were also some lines where the speech marks were in the wrong place, for example here: “Take that away Danica said.” as she covered her eyes. It should be, ”Take that away,” Danica said as she covered her eyes.  Final Thoughts: I liked the way you foreshadowed the ending when you mentioned the tree branch the wind had nearly torn off. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but it all made sense later on. It was a happy ending for the girls and a bad one for the evil god who would have to wait a long time before he could try again. I think if you spent some time on this tale, both on the presentation and the punctuation issues, you’d have a really good story!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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