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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4755543
Review #4755543
Viewing a review of:
 
Image Protector
Drabbles Open in new Window. [13+]
A book for my 100 word entries
by H❀pe Author Icon
         Review for entry/chapter: "Ms. Perfect Petersen" Open in new Window.
Review of Drabbles  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi H❀pe Author Icon,

I am reviewing your micro fiction, "Ms. Perfect Petersen" Open in new Window., on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" Open in new Window., and it is part of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window.

Disclaimer


The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.


What I liked:

*Bulletv*You have done a great job with showing the events of this story in so few words. It is difficult to restrict your word count in this way, so I really admire how good this is. We get a lot of information. You show us how Ms. Peterson is fairly joyless and hard-nosed. Also, we see the interaction between Tony and Jenny. They are good friends, maybe even more. At least, if they aren't a couple yet, they will be at some point. There is definite flirtation taking place.

*Bulletv* In addition to creating these great characters, you have the plot of the bank robber who grabs Ms. Peterson and scares her half to death. And, to top it all off, the whole back can see just how scared she is. Tony and Jenny laugh at this, which made me smile. Even in the midst of a bank robbery, they are still able to flirt.

*Bulletv* The part that made me laugh the most was when Tony said, "Ms P’s ass spits out diamonds on the hour." Jenny found this really funny, and so did I.


Suggestions:


There's one place I didn't think sounded quite right, and I'm sure it is purely down to the word count restriction. " ...shouting she unlock the vault." It does make sense, but it just feels a little awkward. If you had the spare words available, I would change it to something like, "shouting for her to unlock the vault."


Parting comments:

This is a fun, little story. I love how you have included all the elements of a plot that we use in longer stories. You have a definite talent for writing micro fiction (and I'm envious of that).


Choconut
An Angel Army signature by Riot.

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 06/07/2024 @ 1:10am EDT
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4755543