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Review #4755648
Viewing a review of:
 The Neighbour Open in new Window. [E]
The Neighbour is about a young man who practiced violin with an open window
by Sara Persaud Author Icon
Review of The Neighbour  Open in new Window.
Review by Merry IE Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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IE here with a review of "The Neighbour" Open in new Window.

First impression:

There is beautiful imagery in this short piece.

Music, and the musician who is the vehicle through which music expresses, is endless. Endlessly exciting. Endlessly meaningful.

We get a good idea that this neighbor of yours holds the reins of music loosely in his hands and lets it do what it will, to soothe or savage those fortunate enough be within listening range.

Favorite bit:

In my mind he is a man whose soul escapes to paints moments in time.


Below are my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Writing*There is a musician a couple of houses down who tells me of love stories and epic battles.
Is he telling you love stories and epic battles through his music? Perhaps specify that here.

*Writing*In my mind he is a man whose soul escapes to paints moments in time. Here, I suggest removing the “s” at the end of “paints,” and adding a comma after “mind.”

*Writing*His instrument is a violin and his music is an exquisite potion. Lovely just as it is.

*Writing*I imagine him as a montage of beauty and betrayal, anticipation and fate, wrapped in a heartbeat and bones. LOVE the first part of this sentence. What would be gained by amending the last words to “a heartbeat of bones?” I read this line several times and kept coming up with “of” instead of “and.”

*Writing*I hear him become his instrument as emotion fills the space between us. This is good as is. I get the impression of he and the music expanding and filling the surroundings. Becoming larger than just a simple body and a simple instrument.

*Writing*His entire existence mixed with exciting crescendo and devastating diminuendo. To me, I think you could add the word “is” after “existence.” Otherwise, it reads as an incomplete sentence.

In summation:

This is a good example of good and sometimes great words put together in a pleasing manner. I urge you to continue to hone your work. It will be well worth it.

Thank you.

*Writing* *Writing* *Writing*


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