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 Review #4758106 |
 | Mercy From the Heavens  [ASR] A boy pleads for divine help in a dying kingdom that is close to desolation.  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: This was quite an interesting story. The kingdom is in peril and the people are starving, and on top of that, the king demands higher taxes. It looks hopeless, and more and more people are leaving in the hope to find a more hospitable place elsewhere. Only a few seem to believe that they will be rescued. The main character is one of them, but even his father is losing faith. But then a mysterious angel or sorcerer delivers a message, and the events take a turn for the better. The main character had to deal with a few unpleasant situations. If it wasn’t enough that they were starving, he had to witness their food being taken away by a merciless tax collector, and then he nearly had his last few coins stolen. That was the first time that he saw a sign that things might not be as bleak as they seemed. I liked how you developed the tale, slowly allowing things to get better which showed him that his faith wasn’t misplaced.  Suggestions: I spotted a number of typos and other small errors but I’m not going to list them here. It’s probably easier for you to find them with a grammar and spell checker. The more important suggestion I have is regarding the middle bit, which I thought fell a little flat. After Jared had heard the old man’s message, he rushed home, all excited to pass it on to his family, but the excitement didn’t come across. I think the main issue is that you didn’t convey any of the emotions in the narrative. The section is told mainly in dialogue and your only dialogue tags are said Lily/Derick/Jared. I would suggest including some actions, gestures and facial expressions to show what the characters are feeling, their hopes or fears at that point. As it is, there is no tension in that rather important part of the story.  Final Thoughts: I wonder what contest this story was written for. It’s always a good idea to include a link or mention the prompt so the readers can see what inspired the story. I think you have an interesting start here, and as it’s quite a new story, you might still have time to edit it before the deadline to fix some of the issues and give yourself a better chance. This story will probably appeal to many readers. Good luck!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 06/21/2024 @ 7:27pm EDT