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Review #4758887
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Greetings, Olivia,

You've continued the story well here, adding depth to what could have been a "cheap thrill" by including a budding relationship.

The characters introduced here are worth rooting for, as we see three brave and steadfast friends solidifying their bond in a time of tribulation. I admire how instead of being infuriated with Jonathan for bungling his overblown project, they maintain hope of somehow restoring an equilibrium of safety and advancement for mankind. It was a bit of a surprise to see towards the end that they were on his team; it's interesting to think about how perhaps they might even feel guilty for contributing to the disaster or participating in something which led to such destruction, which would cement their determination and motivation to fix it.

Which reminds me of the old formula: goals, stakes, obstacles, and a character development arc are the central ingredients of structure for a good story. You have the first three down pat, and we're hooked in right from the first sentence, but I'm concerned that you don't have a clear focus on a main character yet. The point of view shifts from moment to moment, and we get a running narrative of the thoughts and feelings of all involved, which somewhat dilutes the experiential effect. We want to "live" the story, and that is best done through the eyes of one or perhaps two people at most, directing our feelings and understanding of what's going on through the lens of the main character and allowing us to make the emotional investment in them, and experience them learn and grow through their adventures.

This ties in with the general concept of “showing versus telling,” which is about developing the story through describing how your characters react and what they feel, rather than using adverbs and simple words. You do a good job of this mostly, showing us vividly how everyone feels, but you may want to tighten the focus down to one or two main characters and orient the experience around them.

Speaking of tightening up, I do think you need to eliminate some of your prose... The verbiage about how much destruction has been wrought gets a little repetitive. You risk becoming monotonous if you keep using the same words to describe the same things over and over. Try to pare it down to the most basic elements of showing us what's happening, and allow the readers to build their own scenes in their minds. A few choice words about how they had to pick their way through the wreckage while breathing in the fumes of burning buildings is more impactful than using words like “fear” (7 times) “horror” (7 times,) and “anger” (3 times).

Stylistic elements like this are difficult for me to critique because I only have an instinctive sense of how things should sound, without knowing exactly why I feel that way or how to express it properly, so forgive me if I’ve pointed out things which are not really such a big deal. Your story flows powerfully and draws us along with different elements and emotions and the whisper of hope; while being a grim and alarming tale, it maintains dignity amid the chaos.

I’m really looking forward to the rest of this story.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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