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 Review #4766788 |
 | The Lost Light  [E] I wrote this in memory of my Grandma, two days after her death in 2005.  |
| (4.5)    HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!!! from "Anniversary Reviews"  Celebrating your writing this month with a review. Happy Account Anniversary Hezza, Your poem shows grace to capture profound emotions with loss of a loved one, grandmother, in a heartfelt elegy. Tenderly handled, sense the loss in celebrating her life and legacy. The poem is straightforward, with noted rhyme scheme. A soothing rhythm mirrors comfort, lends to memories shared. Consistent, there’s a gentle flow, making poem accessible and emotionally resonant for loved ones. It can reach a general reader on many levels. Some opportunities exist to enhance dynamic quality further, reflect complex emotions involved in this item with its mourning and remembrance. I can speak to how you express this to help others connect in poignant and evocative terms. Phrases "a light went out" and "brightening heaven" offer vivid images that intone sorrow, hope of eternal peace for the beloved. There is contrast in these expressions. A repetition of "go" in the final stanza underscores theme of release and acceptance, reinforcing the message of love and letting go. Poetic devices: The personification of "light" as the grandmother’s presence and the metaphor of "wings of your family’s love" imbue the poem with a sense of ethereal transcendence. Additionally, the use of alliteration in lines like "watched you fade" and "mem'ries you gave us" add to the lyrical quality of this poem. On closer inspection…witnessed opportunities. To highlight your elegy going forward: my aim is focus on deepening emotional impact, using more specific personal anecdotes or characteristics of grandmother (understood by family, needed for a wider audience), describing more to transform tribute with its personal memories. Plus, ideas on the structure and categorize imagery, with transition from grandmother’s last hours to the higher calling, From poem lead-in, asked myself questions before considering the whole of poem for evidence to put together poet/poem process to completion. It is nearly 20 years since posted at WDC, some suggestions focus where this poem could serve today as elegy, and how poet could see its evolution, if one were to revisit, however. Hook: I believe the opening declarative line catches a readers attention, a good hook. It’s not cliche but pretty standard in approach, definitely a write serving family to intone, overcome loss. Forward, gaveingfurther consideration, ask ‘does it set up subject well enough for impressionable audience’? A personal poem, type shared with family, might leave reader’s outside wanting more info. Could it be enough to encourage further interest? In second line of verse, there is the use of the word “spark,“ possibly not properly applied. Regardless, doesn’t matter, but a spark ignites fuel for a fire to maintain. If one were to do a rewrite, you might find lots of different ways to explore just with that one line. It also could help serve as that stark opening hook. Your caught between light and spark, and which would produce flame/light, and for poetic devices, working toward a central metaphor? The first two lines didn't transition well into last verse lines. With constructing a poem, there could be a parallel from that light to the lost grandmother. As years melt away, perception evolves into a greater understanding and vision, looking back upon this poem….akin to viewing Keats’s Grecian urn. Poet can speak to poem/dead and ask ‘what were you about’, and what the poet could now fully portray.. Passages: “But the mem’ries you gave us will never pale: (example opportunity) Your passion, your joy, your lust for life, (possible more specific?) Your love as a grandmother, mother and wife.” Herein questions for general readers lie. Opportunity for specificity. “You’ve been fighting to keep your dignity (example of observance with respect to departed?) But that fight’s now passed, so go – you’re free! (Peace, and a strong, direct narrative) Although we are sad, and mourn you still, (shows consideration, celebrates the life) We do know that this has long been your will.” I can assume last line implies here the loved one needed to be a free spirit again., sought earthly departure. It’s obliquely stated, could be addressed. “Go on, join your son; he’ll be waiting, arms wide, (This comes out of nowhere, could be worked in near your intro, give larger audience info) And never again will you need leave his side. (Double negative…always you’ll be?) Those who’ve been touched by you; family, friends, You know that our love for you still never ends. (When speaking to the dead, do they hear? Or, are words for survivors? In a sense, both. Something worth noting.) So Go, take your place with the angels above, (caps G in go, strong, need for it?) And fly there on wings of your family’s love, For the light that went out in the world today (full circle, back to light, good.) Will be brightening heaven, now you’ve gone there to stay. As elegy, and commonly of the departed ‘good’, they are light ethereal, heavenly, as if sent down through the clouds above, a face divinely lit like an Angel need no spark, no example of accelerate, but tying in one who is fire, force of nature, giving and passionate. I could suggest a metaphor path to combine both sources of imagery, to develop. Big task. Simpler is better when offering words for family. I prefer no spark over Constance of light references like ‘beacon’, something with warm energy. I think you could have a flame that flickered out, lost from that fiery force. Perhaps, first half of poem could describe simply as earth angel. Second half of poem, transition to ethereal light, destiny heaven. Like, if flame lost, replaced by something stronger, more brilliant in Heaven, giving opportunity to be able to speak to her above, like poem does, seek counsel, or know an Angel watches over loved ones. In building a poem with a spiritual connection like yours, brief examples of attributes and acts that intone flame can show strong worth for Heaven. In a poem that is intended to heal survivors hinges on ‘know’ in transition, the revelation shared that light exchanged, more powerful, intoning not only peace but a new force greater, both giving comfort and moving on from loss providing catharsis. Overall, "The Light Lost" is a moving homage grandmother would express pride for. You’ve captured the duality of grief and celebration, perhaps more so in Eire than the sentimental wakes of American funerals with such a loss. Time gives perspective. My comments to illuminate process, offer adjustments to form and the inclusion of more personal details, help amplify more-so the emotional resonance in a fitting tribute to her memory. Thank you for sharing your personal loss in poem. Chose this having done a celebration of life tribute to my departed brother this past weekend, still in that mindset. Sincerely, Brian WDC Anniversary and Angel Army Reviewer    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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