The first chapter has a lot of information you need to know about the aliens, but you pile it all on the reader’s shoulders too quickly. I like the alieness of the aliens but they are at least relatable in an alien way. It seems a pretty good balance. But the elder telling the story to a reluctant youngster has a resistance to the knowledge you are trying to share built in and none of it has action to draw you in to catch a reader I think I would suggest starting the story with chapter two.


chapter six had a few word choice errors


"I saw what happened and have no answer." Dr. Schmitt began, "I have never seen this happen. Our patience is full of surprises. I need to go and examine the previous blood sample. Do not try any more IVs until I find an answer. Until then, Matthew, we will wait for the MRI results. I have another question: have you experienced any other changes?"

it should be patient not patience


The Elders, who were Out of Phase, were the easiest to tap into. He found their secrets first. He did not act on them; he kept their thoughts and plans in case a timer would arise where he needed to act upon them.


It should be in case a time would arise not timer


chapter seven

the more you explain in the alien scenes the less you really need chapter one as an info dump if I read chapter seven as though I hadn’t read chapter one I am fine.


Chapter 15

I am confused about the explosion and why eternity does not recognize the high one I thought he was selected because he had the color of the highest peaks so shouldn’t she recognize him. This chapter tangled all of the previous chapters up for me.

Chapter 16

The Defender in Green was spotted in several parts of the city late morning into mid-afternoon. Citizens would state that he appeared out of nowhere and disappeared by flying away or just disappearing.

It is a little redundant you could probably just stop at disappeared

Chapter 20

Joe paused for a few minutes, then began again, "Matt, I want to thank you for doing this for me and for me. It is much more than I thought would happen. I can make a fresh start in my life. There are things I will do differently and never do again. Don't worry. I will visit Misty and the girls from time to time. You are only a five-minute run from me. We never evaluated your flying time. Before you say anything, I leave my feelings about Erin's death here. I couldn't move on because everything reminded me of her and our life together. That shadow was too much to step out of."

I am confused about who is saying what in this paragraph



He is on the Federal Bureau of Investigations' ("FBI") Ten Most Wanted List for anything you could think of. This guy thinks he is a criminal genius because he has never been caught. We have enough to put him away for several lifetimes without parole. This is most likely a trap."

just go with FBI everyone knows what that is you don’t have to spell it out.

Chapter 23

I had guessed that eternity was the high one’s daughter though I am not sure having male and female Hydranousians is applicable they would more likely be genderless since they reproduce by budding. Other than that you have done a great job of making the aliens alien but relatable.


In summary

You use a lot of extra words in your dialogs that people just don’t bother with when they are talking. You have a long story here and it might help you trim the size to something more managable and readable if you went through all of your dialog and read it aloud. Usually people state things pretty simply.



It is a big improvement over the previous drafts of this story that I have read. i think you really have balanced the alieness of the aliens with reliability to characters we all can understand.

I think you should double check the sequence of events happening on the alien planet they sometimes seem a bit jumbled.

and some of the dialog is hard to follow without proper paragraph breaks and punctuation.