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Review #4770034
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Mini Poems Open in new Window. [E]
I found a webpage of Haiku derivatives.
by green is happy Author Icon
Review of Mini Poems  Open in new Window.
Review by JMariah Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, Green is Coming Back Again.*Delight*

I came across your poems in the "Browse by Type" section. I really like your poems, particularly the Dixdeux entitled "Tiny Miracle". This is the one I will review.

Form: I have not seen this form before, but you followed it perfectly. You also produced a very tender poem, writing exactly what you needed to say to evoke emotion in me.

Imagery: This is such a powerful image that you presented. I remember when I had both of my children, I would do the very thing you described in your poem. I'd watch them as they peacefully slept and imagine what they may be dreaming. Your poem took me back to those quiet, tender moments. Thank you for letting me relive those memories.

Punctuation: I didn't find that you needed to add punctuation. The line breaks lent themselves to commas and periods.

One suggestion: I found that lines 4 and 5 didn't flow together as they are written. It sounds as though the focus of line 4 was changed in order to write line 5, as if you are talking about two different ideas. When I switched the lines around, this is what I got:

So protective am I, gazing at her
while dreams dance in her tiny forming brain

This is just an example. But do you see the way the two lines are focusing on one idea? You are being protective, because of her tiny forming brain. In this way, the lines seem to work together. Anyway, this is just a tiny suggestion.

Overall: I love your poem. It has a very tender message that definitely touched my heart.

Well done! *ThumbsUpGreen*
Keep up the good work!

JMariah *Quill*



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