Some of this review references part one of this story because it took reading this part to realize the importance of unimportance.


Okay, I was a little disoriented when I started reading this half I didn't understand how Matt had gotten to the alien world. I also didn't understand how the supreme high one got into the situation he did.

I think this story would benefit from being made into a book item which would allow you to put each chapter into a separately accessible segment then it would be easier to flip back and forth when reading and it would also make it more likely that someone would try reading at least a part of it.

As for the story, the quality of the dialog and immersion in the story has improved all through the story.

I feel like this story was going somewhere with the UN scene and the leader's last student.

I was extremely disappointed at the ending though. It was like Matt threw up his hands and said he was done so the story ended. Then you tell us jaz has been promoted to leader and the leader permanently demoted.

One of the potential threads I would loved to see developed is eternity her father should be sent to her and she could help him deal with being cut off. Otherwise what really was the point of mentioning her.

Matt's apartment or house or whatever is left vacant for months and no one so much as does a welfare check on him, including the police who know him to be the victim of a violent mugging.

Why did jaz react to the high one's birthname like he was a war criminal. Why even mention that name if you aren't going to make it significant.

The three ladies that found Matt after the mugging don't need to be named or given as much attention as they were they just don't matter to the rest of the story.

The story of the odd one confused me I thought it was the leader taking on yet another identity. If he was part of one of the parables the leader was telling them the latter discussion of tay and her mentor was unnecessary because the leader would have known. The prior mention of the odd one is unnecessary to the overall story and complicates things for me it is another section you could leave out in favor of having room to better develop the ending.

I like the way the aliens see and describe colors that is one of the best bits about them.

This story is full of great potential. The characters, the world's and cultures are vivid. Some of them don't need to be as vivid so as to contrast with the characters at the center of the action.

It is a good story at its core about 90% of what it wants to be. Compared to the work already obviously put in there is just a little reshaping and shaving to do. It could benefit if it had fewer words but only because it would bring the focus even tighter. Remember this isn't an essay where you have to pay the length for the sake of your grade. If a word, sentence, character or chapter that doesn't carry your story forward it doesn't need to be there at best it is a distraction from the focus.

Please consider finishing the process and editing because I have seen how far you've come and I want to see you cross the finish line.