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 Review #4773071 |
 | The Other Side of the Story  [E] Second Place Winnter - Diversity Celebration Contest 2003.  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I was chuckling along with Clara at the end. This was a beautiful story with a nice message. For a moment, I was worried that something terrible might happen on the bus - maybe someone would abuse or attack her or something along those lines. Fortunately, it wasn’t that kind of story. I liked the way you structured the tale. You introduced the main character and almost immediately left her waiting for the bus white the readers found out how her day had been. Again, nothing bad happened, but the backstory worked well to give the readers a well-rounded picture of the character and the setting, both her cold home where her family was waiting for her, and the house of the ‘rich people’ she worked for. She came across like a nice person who did her best to provide for her children and even found a workaround for the heat to keep her children warm. Then you moved on to the bus, and immediately Clara encountered a couple of the passengers. They seemed to make judgements about each other, and it only became clear later what the woman and the little girl were thinking. I liked their conversation outside the bus - the girl was curious why Clara was carrying the cleaning equipment, and her mother explained it. The girl’s final comment was priceless, and the way she was obviously impressed made both me and Clara smile.  Suggestions: I didn’t spot any errors but I do have one tiny suggestion. In the first paragraph you mentioned that “she” was waiting for the bus, then you went on to describe her day. In fact, you didn’t mention Clara’s name until the fifth paragraph. I would name her right at the beginning and use the name again in the second paragraph to make sure the readers know that the person waiting for the bus and the one in the flashback are the same. It also helps to have a name right away, rather than an anonymous person.  Final Thoughts: I liked how you described Mrs Stephens following Clara around while she was cleaning, and the way Clara assumed that this was because she wanted to make sure nothing got stolen. In fact, the woman was just lonely and liked to have someone to talk to, or gossip, as Clara thought. I can imagine that it was annoying for Clara but it seemed nice that Clara did more for her than clean her house. A nice story, I enjoyed the read!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/02/2024 @ 6:58pm EDT