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 Review #4773082 |
 | The Sunglasses  [E] I'll let the story speak for itself. It is stil rough draft. And I am looking to feedback.  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: That was quite a surprise ending. Obviously, once I started reading, I got curious (just like the woman’s neighbours) why she was wearing sunglasses all the time. I didn’t think any of the suggestions offered by her neighbours sounded plausible, so it had to be something else. There were a few hints - the way she didn’t walk in a straight line and listened to the TV - so the readers could figure out part of the answer. I wonder if you meant to give another hint when she spoke to the children and addressed them as young boys or girls. Did she say that because she couldn’t see if they were boys or girls, or did you mean to say that she was asked this question several times and responded with “boys or girls” depending on who asked the question? I wasn’t sure because in the sentence before, you said, One day the neighborhood kids always stopped and asked so it wasn’t clear if they asked just once (“one day”) or more than once (“always”).  Suggestions: The story was quite intriguing but there were a few minor errors you might want to look at - a few times you changed from past tense to present tense, like here: The glasses cover half her face. Inside, it is tiny She likes to keep it She has many knick knacks Why does she also wear sunglasses? I think that was meant to say “always” instead of “also”. The main suggestion I have is regarding the middle part of the story. You started by describing how the neighbours saw her, and ended again with the neighbours finding out why she wore the sunglasses, but the middle part wasn’t so clear. You described the inside of her house and her hobbies and pets, but the neighbours are unlikely to know this (if they did, they would know why she wore the sunglasses) so I wasn’t sure who the point of view character was at that point. I think that part needs clarifying because it doesn’t seem to flow with the beginning and end.  Final Thoughts: I liked the story, and even after all the hints, the ending and the actual reason for the sunglasses was still a surprise. It would be worth giving the story another look and perhaps tightening up the middle bit, and I think you’d have a really good tale.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/03/2024 @ 1:11am EDT