Hi law ;

I'm 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your piece.

Welcome to Writing.com. I see you only joined our merry band a couple of days ago. Congratulations on posting your first piece. I remember doing that... 11 years ago now. This is a fabulous site to test your writing mettle. Read others, review others and get your own stuff reviewed - that is how you learn. I believe there are groups within Writing.com that can help guide you. I believe there are also groups here that are focused on fantasy writing.

I do hope you will take advantage of the birthday celebrations going on. That's how I got hooked. And don't be afraid to ask questions.

Just a note. If you leave spaces between your paragraphs it gives white space that allows the reader to breath. When the piece is compact like you have it, it may be overlooked as being to much to read. Does that make sense?

Point 1: There is a lot of information packed into this small paragraph. Being one who does not read fantasy and is not familiar with such big names I will give my opinion only. Please take what resonances with you and discard anything else. I was a little confused by who is who to start.

There is a lot of telling in this story. I would slow down the pace and open it up by showing. You can do that by using dialogue. Instead of telling me about the discussion, show me with the dialogue and character cues that tell me more about the uniqueness of each character.

I think you have the premise of a good story here. It is very densely packed with details. It is too big to be a short story. If it becomes a novel, I would say these details are more for you as you get to know your character. Your reader doesn't need all the backstory all at once. Break it up.

I am curious about the numbered editing on your piece. I have never seen that before and I find it interesting.

I do hope you will stay at it and keep learning. I have grown in confidence and in skill ability over my time here on Writng.com. I hope you will take advantage of all it has to offer. I'd stay with the Newbie groups to get your feet wet, then branch out from there.

I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with my review.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .