%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4776913 |
  |  | Enriqueta Martí i Ripollés  [18+] The Witch Doctor of Barcelona  |
| (4.0)| An Angel Army Review Hi WakeUpAndLive . I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Enriqueta Martí i Ripollés" . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. Greetings. This is the first of three reviews I will do for you winning my mini-Newsfeed contest. I've always found the history of witches to be fascinating. Your brief description did the trick of luring me in.I also noted under your Notes that you've had a lot of success with your story. That set the bar rather high. I was not disappointed with your tale. In fact, I personally was hoping for more. But one must work within contest parameters. Right? Your story, though short, moved along very well. I was not bored. But I did notice a couple spots that seemed a bit off as I read along. For example, the customer says: “Do you have one for me at midnight? I’ll come and collect myself this time. My servant will stay at home.” I think he would say "Will you ..." or "Would you ...". And adding the phrase "My servant will stay at home." is superfluous, uncessary. Remember, she's indifferent. Also, you wrote: She continued her walk down Main Street. She must begin her walk before she can continue it. Perhaps something like: She left her shop, turning quickly to the back roads continuing onward. These are small errors that are hard to catch when one is so invested in a story and has edited it many times over the story's life. I struggle with that mightily in my own works. I can hear problems when I read the stories aloud easier that just reading silently.  Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. I found it a mite odd that the gentleman entered the shop at midnight leaving the carriage out front, but left by the rear. Was this intentional? Read this sentence aloud and you'll hear the problem. You need a verb. On them strapped and already dead, two children. On them strapped and already dead, were two children. I would think skin would be very hard to grind, not grain, into powder. It would be too pliable at that point. My Rating. 4.0. An above average story that need a little more attention. Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 09/20/2024 @ 11:49am EDT