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Review #4783392
Viewing a review of:
 Emily, her Elves, and the Bank Open in new Window. [18+]
I think it's pretty obvious who the muse of this piece was for me.
by Jakrebs Author Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings, and thank you for requesting a review. Yours is my 1,000th, so congrats on that *Laugh*

I'll get the proofreading out of the way first: the word for going down the side of a cliff is "rappelling," not "repelling."

This comes across as a rambling free verse poem, with sentences aligned neatly down the page with leading uppercase. I like that concept myself; sometimes there's nothing more relaxing and "freeing" than spilling out one's thoughts in casual, conversational narrative poetry, without care for rhyme or meter. I almost didn't pick up on the structure because I'm reading from my phone (where, believe it or not, about 85% of all my WdC work gets done *Shock2*)

The story itself is whimsical, almost a parody or satire, until one realizes by the end of it your idea came quite simply and literally from seeing a nice lady working at your local bank, or some such mundane real life event. You've let your imagination soar, forming a whole backstory around this lady and giving her an adoring Elvin entourage. You also provided the elves with a larger goal of making the world a better place, which is admirable. No one can argue with these magical creatures.

I observe there's a sharp gender role divide between the girls and boys, which comes across as a bit old-fashioned these days. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I can't help picturing you as a somewhat crusty old white guy, loitering to chat with the pretty young gals at the bank and dreaming about them after you leave, blissfully unaware of being a slightly sexist nuisance. The gals are polite, but not impressed. I speak from decades of experience, firsthand and otherwise.

Having now dismayed you by stereotyping the living daylights out of you, I'll proceed with the review. I can see this as a fun little story you might tell the grandkids: "I met this beautiful, mysterious lady at the bank today... guess who she really is? The queen of the elves!" Or it could be turned into a fable on improving the way the world runs, which would be a rather tall order.

The idea of an ordinary lady who moonlights as the elf queen, guiding her subjects (she is aware of the elves and their actions, right?) is creative, with interesting potential for building other playfully surrealist folktales off of. I liked the thought of the goofy elf boys running through the streets not to make mischief but to do good, in impulsive and perhaps foolish ways, and the quiet, sensible girl elves following along covering their tracks and cleaning up their messes. One wonders what the boys would do without them.

On the whole, this was fun to read, and I'm not sure I know of anything to recommend changing. Your aim seems to have been to let out some fanciful thoughts which were bottled up in your head, without any particular storyline or overarching theme. In which case, I hope it's served its purpose well.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/31/2024 @ 9:11pm EDT
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4783392