\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4785028
Review #4785028
Viewing a review of:
 Meridith at 46 Years Old Open in new Window. [13+]
Meridith and her companion stray into the Spirit Realm
by Randy Ames Author Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings, Randy, and thank you for requesting a review.

This is a well-thought item, and I can see these are characters you've been working with for a while. There isn't much backstory required to understand this quick vignette, though I would be interested in learning more about the characters, how they met, and their goals.

You've set up an engaging and even slightly humorous situation here, with the basics of rising and falling action which make a complete story. (In that case, technically it's not a vignette, but I feel it's a slice from a larger world you're working on.)

As it is, I'm not sure I have anything to advise you on here. The characters are engaging, and the story is to-the-point, with a fairly relieving conclusion.

In your opening paragraph, there seems to be a peculiar conjunction of numbers indicating how long they'd been trekking for. Is this a "quaint" way of putting it, or a mistake?

In your sixth paragraph, the human's speech should best be cut in the middle to describe his actions, rather than leaving the long block of dialogue and the descriptor at the end. And perhaps a word other than "obsession" would do better to try to describe the hungry spirits, because that word makes me think of the old Sodom and Gomorrah story... Perhaps "fierce hunger?"

Where the old man spirit begins to speak, he needs a paragraph break when he's done. And there's an extra comma at "the Dwelfmin swung her mace..."

The sentence "Meredith, loathe..." doesn't come together properly.

Aside from these and other minor typos, it's a great little fantasy story. I'm asking for competition here, but perhaps you could flesh this out and submit it to this month's Official WdC Contest, Journey Through Genres. They allow up to 2000 words.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing *HeartT*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 11/12/2024 @ 7:41pm EST
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4785028