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 Review #4787178 |
 | Jasmine  [13+] There was a knock at the door. Should I open it and make my life more complicated?  |
| (4.5)| Greetings, Josh! I noticed this on my "online authors" sidebar and thought it sounded intriguing. It certainly lives up to the appellation, being a light psychological study of a mental situation I've been fascinated by for a while. Much can be made of this—in fact, I would recommend you take the theme and try turning it into a full novel. It seems like you rushed this out in summary form, perhaps as a contest entry, perhaps even for the Twisted Tales. I see potential for it to become a sort of romantic story. First we should establish that the lady he meets has reverted to the mental capacity of a six-year-old. I'm not sure if that's what would happen. If it did, there would be a conflict if he falls in love with her, because he would realize there could be no consent. Then he would decide to protect her from harm, especially if she's innocent and naive. This would be a good development of both characters and create a longer story with more events and enriching emotional details. And his inability to discover anything about her seems a bit farfetched, particularly as she was equipped with an ID card when she met him. If she suddenly went missing as an adult, she would be missed, even if only at her workplace. And missing as a child, she would be presumed caught in the disaster and her name (Jasmine) would be listed among the dead. And if he was living in the very flat which had previously exploded mysteriously, I'm sure that would have been the first thing which would come to his mind as he spoke with her. A little more thought might be needed here to iron out potential "stretches" of possibility. I noticed a sentence where you used "that" like three times in a breath, as well as a couple other minor editing bits to clean up. This is a fantastic premise with a lot of room for growth. You could even turn it into a novel. Maybe throw some spies into the mix: what if the woman became a spy after she lost her memory of the explosion? If she lost her memory of being a spy, and she had some secrets that others were after, that would be a unique twist. Just a fun thought! Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 11/27/2024 @ 2:28pm EST