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 Review #4792977 |
 | Traveling through the event horizon  [18+] A sci-fi story with many timelines  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  Hey Steven, I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary! You've written an interesting story here, but you also have a lot more telling combined with very little showing. Even your dialog doesn't show as much as it could. Don't get me wrong, I liked your story, enjoyed reading it, but the telling in it really turned me away. Admittedly, I only read thru The Big Day. I could have read more, but a brief look at the following Chapters confirmed what I had already seen. Quite a bit of telling with little showing. Please allow me to give you an example or two, first your words, then my idea of improving it by showing a reader the scene. 1. Mounting his hover bike, Max speeds towards the city. At an intersection, he pauses, drawn by the chaos of a recent accident. The robotic police haven't arrived, and bystanders are frantically trying to help. As he prepares to leave, a strange figure across the street catches his eye. The observer, holding a peculiar device, seems to be recording the scene. Suddenly, the stranger notices Max, turns abruptly, and slips into an alley. Curiosity piqued, Max follows. Here is my idea of providing more showing to a reader. Mounting his hover bike, Max speeds towards the city. At an intersection, he pauses, drawn by the chaos of a recent accident. The robotic police haven't arrived, and bystanders are frantically trying to help. The damage to the two vehicles is obvious. One has a shattered windshield, the driver hanging out window, appearing to be unconscious. The other vehicle's occupant is not seen anywhere. As he prepares to leave the accident scene, a strange figure across the street catches his eye. The observer, holding a peculiar device, seems to be recording everything. Max got the impression that this bystander was really the driver of the second vehicle. Suddenly, the stranger notices Max, turns abruptly, and slips into an alley. Curiosity piqued, Max follows. 2. Navigating the narrow passage, Max sees the alley light up with an intense green fireball. Shielding his eyes, he glimpses the stranger stepping into a swirling tunnel that vanishes, leaving only a brick wall. Shaken, Max races back to his hover bike, fleeing through the city without looking back. He crosses into the "old town," a desolate area abandoned by society, where the marginalized live without social security or energy. The empty streets and eerie silence make his heart race faster. Again, my idea of an edit. Navigating the narrow passage, Max finds the stranger at the end of the alley. The stranger presses a button on his device and the whole alley lights up with an intense green fireball. Shielding his eyes, he glimpses the stranger stepping into a swirling tunnel that vanishes, leaving only a brick wall. Max runs to to the stranger's previous location only to find a solid brick wall. Shaken, Max races back to his hover bike, fleeing through the city without looking back. He quickly realizes he's not being watched or followed as he crosses into the "old town," a desolate area abandoned by society, where the marginalized live without social security or energy. The empty streets and eerie silence make his heart race faster. You don't always need dialog to move the story, Dialog does help, believe me. I'm just not sure how you might have used it here, possibly adding some as Max talked to bystanders at the accident scene. But you need to describe what's going on. Otherwise, you're doing as you've written, you're telling a reader what's going on. By adding descriptions. This pulls a reader into the story, their minds race as they fill in gaps you fail to fill, either intentionally, or unintentionally. This is a good story, it only needs a little editing TLC to improve it. Thank you for sharing!/size} Sum1  WDC POWER RAIDER    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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