Hi GiantManny,

This is a wonderful piece. The title is enigmatic and attention grabbing. It tells the reader very little about what the piece is actually about. They are intrigued and will begin to read right away to find out more. You launch into the piece without introduction or preamble. This takes all the reader's attention and focuses it completely on the topic and the piece. They will read to the last word. You have given the reader a list of the main characters in your novel and an excerpt of the first chapter. The reader is delighted with the look they get at your work so far. The length is perfect. You completely develop your topic without belaboring the issue and making the piece tedious. I did come across one structural issue that needs your attention:

1)You have neglected to either double space or indent between paragraphs. You should remember to consistently do this to keep your writing clear for your reader.

You use a formal, organized style that is very appealing to the reader. Great job.