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 Review #4794059 |
Fleeting  [13+] Sometimes good times can be fleeting, especially while under pressure  |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: It was difficult to feel any sympathy towards Butch. I tried to feel bad for him because he couldn’t find a job and although he was looking after the baby while his wife went to work, he felt that wasn’t a real job. Or he thought others felt that way. It wasn’t clear exactly why he was so miserable. Most of the backstory came from Zuri’s daydream where he had a heated argument with her family and felt he needed to justify himself to them, so that might not have been how he really felt. Maybe he was just a very unpleasant person and his behaviour had nothing to do with the job or the baby. The ‘daydream’ wasn’t a pleasant one. It might have been a memory or her anticipating what would happen if they did go for dinner at her grandmother’s house. Either way, it wasn’t the kind of nice fantasy that might help her escape her terrible situation for a few moments. It made me anxious just to read it and I can imagine how she would have felt.  Suggestions: The story isn’t new so you might not be interested in edits, but if you are, I have a few suggestions: I assume you chose the paragraph spacing on purpose but together with the default font size, it made the story quite hard to read on the screen. I would recommend only one empty line between the paragraphs because too many make the story a little choppy. her Grandma, said slyly I don’t think you need the comma there. If he likes it, that’s fine. It’s his choice.” You missed the opening speech marks at the beginning of the dialogue. I eat good everyday.” she said, “Just because I believe that should be “every day”, two words. “Everyday” describes something that is ordinary, commonplace, or typical (like “an everyday occurrence). “Every day” refers to something happening on each individual day or daily. And the period after “every day” should be a comma as the sentence continues with a dialogue tag, whereas the comma after “said” should be a period as a new sentence starts with “Just”. She glanced to at Butch for support. There is an extra word in that sentence, it should be “She glanced at Butch”. how hard its been find something “It’s” should have an apostrophe, and there seems to be a word missing: “to find”. she sat with her arms outstretched to waiting to bring comfort Just an extra word, you don’t need “to” before “waiting”.  Final Thoughts: That looks like a lot of suggestions but they are all just minor things. The story itself was well told, and I felt very uncomfortable during the meal when Butch was behaving badly. That’s a good thing - you want strong emotional reactions from your readers, and you certainly got them from me. I was curious why Zuri put up with this. It sounds like she had a family who would have supported her and the baby, and while it’s not easy to escape an abusive relationship, maybe her daydream hinted that she was considering it. It wasn’t an easy read because of Butch’s character, but I thought it was a good story.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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