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Review #4796026
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Safety Concerns Open in new Window. [13+]
Young engineers grapple with a haunted past (3rd place StAG Firebox Contest, January 2024)
by Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon
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#4796026
Review of Safety Concerns  Open in new Window.
Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Melody and Julian are working on a bread machine powered by steam but someone is sabotaging them!

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the imagination and creativity in the story. I could picture a big ol' machine in my mind, steaming away!

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "“He has a point…” Julian murmured, looking over at his sister with a question in his eyes."

MY SUGGESTION: "He has a point." Julian glanced at his sister with a questioning look.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Just a strategic sentence hitting on the five senses will help to put the reader in the moment. What does the bread machine smell like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: no specific time was mentioned
PLACE: urban setting?

This is something that could be clarified a little better for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Melody and Julian

There's enough here to understand their motivations. *Thumbsup* I liked that they were very supportive of each other. The sibling relationship felt genuine.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engaged the reader and piqued their curiosity. A fun story that touches on the warmth of family ties.



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