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 Review #4796395 |
 | Elizabeth Sends Her Love  [E] A sceptic ghost hunter searching for the truth - is there really life after death? .  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: A story with an unexpected twist. When I first started reading, I couldn’t figure out who Elizabeth was, considering that one of the characters was called Eleanor. The note at the end was a nice surprise, both for the readers because the revelation came out of the blue, and for the ghost hunter who didn’t believe in ghosts. He got more than he bargained for, in a good way. Tom was an interesting character, and the readers didn’t know one important thing about him until the end. The part after Tom fell asleep was a little mysterious. I read those two paragraphs twice and I think I figured out what was going on, which was nicely done but took me two reads to fully understand. It’s somewhat ironic that the ghost hunter voiced his scepticism to a ghost, but like he thought, she was very gracious and didn’t take offense (or at least didn’t show it).  Suggestions: The story would benefit from an edit. I didn’t notice any typos, but I would recommend looking at the punctuation - there were quite a few run on sentences or lines where the punctuation was in the wrong place. I’m not going to list all of them but I’ll point out a couple of examples: “What kind of manifestation is it you have been having, I mean, is it rattling chains, noises apparitions that sort of thing? Tom asked he couldn’t quite keep the scepticism from his voice; he hoped Eleanor hadn’t noticed she was a very gracious hostess and charming company. That’s a very long sentence that would work better as two, and it needs a few commas and closing speech marks. For example, I think something like this would work: “What kind of manifestation have you been experiencing? I mean, is it rattling chains, noises, apparitions, that sort of thing?” Tom asked, unable to quite keep the scepticism from his voice. He hoped Eleanor hadn’t noticed; she was a gracious hostess and charming company. In the five years, Tom had been doing this job; he never once came across a real haunting all could be, explained. Here, you have an unnecessary comma and the semicolon in the wrong place. Maybe something like, In the five years Tom had been doing this job, he had never once come across a real haunting; everything could always be explained. A thick fog descended blanketing the surrounding countryside so densely that he couldn’t see more than inches in front, as he stepped from the car to retrieve his overnight bag; and equipment from the boot. You need a comma after “descended” to separate the introductory phrase and you don’t need the semicolon, but the main problem with this sentence is that it’s the first one and it’s rather long. I would suggest turning it into two sentences to make it more readable. Also, it is always a good idea to name the main character at the beginning of the story rather than referring to him as “he”. Something like this: A thick fog descended, blanketing the surrounding countryside so densely that Tom couldn’t see more than a few inches ahead. He stepped out of the car to retrieve his overnight bag and equipment from the boot.  Final Thoughts: My suggestions above are just some ideas, but I think if you read the story again, you can get rid of those issues quite quickly. That’s not to say that this isn’t a good story. I think you had a very unique idea here, and I especially liked how you didn’t reveal the meaning of the title until the end, leaving the readers to wonder how it all fit together. It made for a great surprise ending, and the story is definitely worth an edit to make it more readable.   A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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