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 Review #4798302 |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: This story has an unfinished feel to it. Maybe it’s just that I was hoping there would be a happy ending for Lisa. Surely someone had to notice what was going on with her and her stepfather, that she wasn’t attending school, that she didn’t do any of the things a girl her age usually does. But it seemed she was all alone, except for her stepfather, and no one came to her rescue. The story started and ended with the teddy bear which was a nice way to remind the readers that she was still a child. It’s shocking to think how manipulative Graham was and how he had been grooming her since she was a little girl. And that ‘accident’ sounded more like another thing he did to get rid of her mother and make sure no one could stop him. It went from bad to worse when Graham wasn’t the only one abusing the girl, and there seemed to be no way out for her.  Suggestions: I noticed that there seemed to be a lot of run-on sentences and comma splices. For example the first sentence: Staring at the teddy bear Lisa wondered how she came to be here. This feels like a run-on sentence because there is no pause between the introductory phrase and the main clause. Or a few sentences later: The chairs were all arranged and music blared out of the speakers, it always seemed so loud to her. This is a comma splice because two independent clauses are joined incorrectly with just a comma. There were lots of instances of this so I would suggest watching out for these issues.  Final Thoughts: This definitely wasn't a fun story to read, but it was quite thought provoking. The question is how something like this could be happening and if we, as outsiders, would notice anything amiss if this was, say, a neighbour. You didn’t say which contest this was written for or what the prompt was, and I think it would be interesting to know what inspired this tale. It’s not a new story so you might not want to go back and edit it, but I think it would be worth fixing the issues I mentioned above because you have a very intriguing story here.    A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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