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 Review #4798459 |
 | The Hundred Dollar Bill  [E] A man learns a valuable lesson.  |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: A story with a great moral: Don’t value material things over a fulfilling life. The girl/angel made sure the main character understood this as he hung upside down in the middle of the forest and couldn’t escape her or her wise words. She was a great character, quite mischievous for an angel but great fun and evidently good at her job. She taught the lesson well, although David might not have been quite so willing to take it on board had he not been fired. Come to think of it, I wasn’t sure why he was fired - he was a little late for work once, with good reason, so I can’t see how his employer would get away with that one (but I’m in the UK and employment laws might be different in the US). Either way, he took the opportunity to rethink his priorities, which fit nicely with the thoughts he had before he got himself into this predicament, when he was enjoying the spring morning and reflected how he would like to do something different with his life.  Suggestions: The story would benefit from a quick edit, particularly regarding the dialogue, for example here: “Thank God.” David said When the sentence continues with a dialogue tag after the speech, you need a comma before the closing speech marks. There were a few instances of this error, and one were there was no punctuation. “You were the one who set the trap!?” David said, outraged. This was a question, so I think “David asked would work better. He dropped his suitcase and bill while he is hoisted high in the air. You changed tense here. The story was written in past tense so it should be “was hoisted”. caused him flop to his original position Just a missing word, “caused him to flop”. Weak, dizzy and helpless, David did the one thing he knew would help him in this situation. This line was in italics but it is not part of David’s thoughts so should be in normal font. I would also suggest choosing a few genres other than ‘other’ so the readers know what kind of story this is before they click. And just a general comment: You refer to his bag as a suitcase or a briefcase - in fact, when you first talked about a suitcase, I thought he was going on a trip, not to the office. Then he slung the briefcase over his shoulder, which I couldn’t really picture. I think it might be better to refer to it as a shoulder bag, or laptop bag, or just ‘bag’ to make that image work.  Final Thoughts: At first, I wasn’t sure what David might be experiencing when he was trapped, and the story could have gone many different ways. Fortunately for him, this wasn’t a sinister tale and the girl/angel did have his best interest at heart. I loved the way she taught her lesson, it was original and funny and a pleasure to read.    A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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