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 Review #4805629 |
 | Darkwood: A Fan Fiction  [13+] Something sinister is happening to the town of Darkwood  |
| (3.5)| Hello, I found this under the Read a Newbie section of writing.com. First, I'd like to extend my warmest welcome to you, I hope you find this community as helpful as I have over these many years. I'm unfamiliar with what story you're writing this fanfiction for, and it's more than likely that whatever it is, I haven't read it. That said, I can't really offer any thoughts on how it ties into the source material, so what you'll be getting from me, is only raw and honest opinion of a reader in real-time. Before we get into this, I'd like to preface this by saying that I tend to take a pretty in-depth approach to most reviews. It may seem like I'm really picking something apart. Some folks might see this as negative or mean-spirited. I assure you that that is not my intention, but rather to call attention to areas of the writing that I think could use some polish. Keep in mind, however, it's only my opinion. You may use whatever suggestions I might make, or you may use none at all if you disagree with it. It's your writing, after all. I'd like to mention that in some of my reviews you may see a word with a dotted underline like this. This is a spot in a sentence that I've marked for your attention. I've packed a comment within the notes that you can read simply by mousing over the word or phrase with this dotted underline. *** Opening *** Some may say that this opening line is lacking a hook, but for me, it's there. It's simple and short, and it works. It tugs on the heartstrings a bit and feels wholesome. *** Style and Voice *** There's a fairly constant tone of passive voice written in one way or another, which I've marked some examples below. One of the recurring issues that stands out to me is weak to be verbs i.e. was, were followed by a gerund phrase i.e. 'ing' verbs. I won't list every instance of this, as there's simply too many and would make this review enormous, however here's an example:  She was staring into the blackness of the forest, ears rigid. She stared into the blackness of the forest as she stood rigid as a statue, ears perked straight up.A correction like this removes the passive undertone and the more vivid description paints a clearer picture while also building a bit of tension, to elaborate on that which you started with her growling. I would say that it's likely not solid footing to begin the start of your story with passive voicing, as it just feels a bit weak. In the case of your second sentence, the key word is a to be verb form was. This just pulls away from the atmosphere, and I think would better deliver if you gave the quiet a bit of life itself. For Joseph, a still quiet smothered his road home...Granted, it doesn't have to be verbatim, but it removes the diminishing to be verb and gives a bit more substance to the scenery. She was an elderly mutt —kind and loyal.Rather than telling me she was elderly, consider her description a bit. You don't need a whole paragraph of sentences, but a quick tidbit will help the reader imagine her age rather than you telling me. Perhaps, graying patches of fur on her snout and eyebrows, or just old, tired breathing. Simple and to the point will offer the reader enough to picture the rest. The second paragraph might be better broken down as smaller points somewhere in the story, as this kind of just drags the pacing with exposition that I really didn't need. As he turned toward the house, Suqy let out a low growl. This is a form of passive voice where action is acting on the subject, which I've marked above. This diminishes the action and is delivered to the reader in a more telling rather than showing way. As Max Griffin 🏳️🌈  says: Think of a story as a guided dream. The best way to guide a reader through this dream is by offering vivid, and descriptive imagery while avoiding weak verbs like saw, heard, smelled, etc. Instead, allow the reader to experience through the perspective of your character. Give the growl a bit more substance and avoid the weak words let out. Perhaps, something like:He turned toward the house but a rumbling growl from Suqy interrupted his steps.This reads now as Joseph perform an action rather than joseph's action acting on Suqy. The tremor was gone as quickly as it had come, but the silence it left behind felt heavier than the quake itself.This is another example of a bit of wordy telling rather than showing. felt is a rather flat word when trying to describe the atmospheric portion of a story. Consider something like: The tremor settled as quick as it came, but a heavy, lingering silence eclipsed the quake's rumbles.Joseph pushed himself up, grabbing his shotgun—{dropnote:"the one he kept only for emergencies and restocking the meat freezer."}In a situation that just occurred, Joseph isn't going to be thinking about his shotgun in this context, he'd simply grab and go. Adrenaline doesn't offer you a moment to reflect like this, and I imagine such a shock would send a pretty electrifying wave of adrenaline through you.{.dropnote} Based from the comment in the dropnote above, simply adding a small snippet of context here instead of the reflection, is all the more image the reader needs and doesn't pull us from the character's PoV. Maybe the shotgun just leaned against the arm of his chair, or beside the door, or something, just a spot somewhere is all the reader needs. We don't need to know why he kept it, because he wouldn't be thinking about it at that momemnt. Heart pounding, he crept around the house toward whatever had just fallen from the sky. I think a bit more life should be given to the heart pounding, as this will add more tension to the scene. Joseph crept around the house toward the impact. His heart thumped hard against his chest as he fought against the trembles in his arms. Short breaths choked him with itchy dryness as he swallowed hard against the nervous lump that hung in the back of his throat.Something like this will help establish a bit of nervous trepidation and give substance to the heart pounding by adding a few other symptoms of mild worry. Adding snippets of richness to the atmosphere can help better bring the scene to life. Thick plumes of vapor curled over the newly upturned soil. This is a really solid image here. Well-done. I will mention at this point you start going into small bits of rambling by way of describing things with two adjectives. Here and there is fine, but you do it in rather rapid succession, and it kind of just seems a bit bland. Dark liquid, thick and viscous,...In this case, 3 adjectives. This is just too much, and it really falls flat. Really in terms of describing liquids, thick and viscous aren't too dissimilar from one another that you could scrap thick all together, and it would still give me the same description. "Come to me." It was not a request. His right foot immediately felt crushed beneath an unbearable weight, yanked forward by an unseen force.Unbearable weight crushed his right foot as an unseen force yanked it forward.*** Ending *** I like the ending, but I think it should have been savored just a bit more, it happened a little too quick but otherwise, it worked. *** Summary *** There's a good bit of telling in the story, but its marked here and there with some real solid imagery that shows that you do have a way with words. I think this really just needs a good once over with all of the was and weaker tells with the 5 senses of your PoV character. Otherwise the action was good, the tension was good, and for the most part the pacing was good. I still think the 2nd paragraph really kind of wasn't needed for the story at all, so there it was a bit slow. The end, also was pretty much a bottle rocket. whoosh—pop—the end. I like fast paced action, but I think this was just a little too fast, and could have been savored a bit longer, with a hair more tension. I am however, questioning the dog in all of this. You mention she's loyal. A loyal dog, would still have been afraid I'm sure, but I think she would have stayed at her master's side if she truly was loyal. If you truly wish her to exit the picture like she did, a bit more foreshadowing using the dog would have helped. More than just growling, add a bit of restlessness in the scene before the crash. Rather than sleeping, perhaps have her stirring anxiously, whimpering, etc. Clearly, she knew it was coming before he did so there's a lot of possibilities here. I imagine it may seem like I sort of really ripped this writing a new one. Again, it's not intended to be mean-spirited in any way. I'm only calling attention to areas I that I think could use a second look from you. You do have some pretty solid imagery in the atmospheric side of it, and some of the action was a good break-neck trip through all of it. Your fundamentals are definitely there so I believe you could really get this writing in tip-top shape with a few adjustments. I've included a couple of articles for you, discussing Passive Voice, and Showing vs. Telling as well as their impacts on a story. They are both written by writers in this community that I have a tremendous amount of respect for, and I hope they give you a better understanding than what I managed to explain in this review.
I hope these and this review helps. I thank you for sharing this writing. I enjoyed reading it. Again, welcome to writing.com, and best of luck in your future writings.     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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