Dear Strychnine

This is a complex subject, but one that I would like to dive into because I am familiar and never far off from what you express in this sort of confessional. I'd like to examine it from different vantages: psychological, emotional and structural.

Obvious, hard to label this item. More likely, a journal entry. I remember writing openly in an essay in my high school English class and information similar to this got a "you brave your chest when you write" from my English teacher, who I disliked until the end of that semester. Back then, even teachers ridiculed students, so the whole class could laugh at my expense. And facing some of the most difficult people, situations gave me composure.

This leads into the psychological aspect. The emotional component of your piece does tie into the psychological as well as the structural as I'll attempt to give my take.

My first response when I read that first sentence was, ‘that's me’. Or, was. But, still could be. Inside, I'm racing. You're racing through words like you need to get to a point before someone cuts you off. You're probably used to people telling you what you are than listening to you state your position. As a result, anxiety sets it and like me control and get through the dialogue, hopefully understood by others. But, who's the audience here? It feels like either something stirred this writing to life or you have ADHD or a learning difficult that your highly functioning brain is helping you override certain societal restraint and condition. It will be beautiful when you summit, because coming back down to earth, knowing yourself, everyone in the room and how to walk through life unscathed will make you feel bullet proof and ten feet tall.

what you wrote:
I laugh at my life as if it were one magnanimous joke, questioning why I even try anymore, yet finding that giving up feels too easy while persisting seems impossibly hard.

This set the tone. Rather than break this into two different sentences you present the dichotomy of living day to day, how much to persist or idle and feel empty, unfulfilled. The commitment life needs to just exist continues further:

I only find my life laughable because who wouldn’t, when each day you work harder than the last, only to sit down after your efforts and face even harsher criticism than before—a never-ending game with no breaks and impossibly strict rules.

That’s the stated restraint. This essay is the complaint. Writing is fighting here, as you present the mental anguish of hard work without reward or fair acknowledgement. Writing is resilient, forthright and helps lay out what could be an open letter to the world, which I read and relate with, stuck in this house for three weeks straight. That last part about rules reminds that life is more punitive than rewarding. It’s here I’m persuaded that example need serve to back up your gripe. And when a younger man, would note how unfair ticket, cite me for minor traffic violations when I’m a good driver 99% of the time. I heard the siren, would see flashing lights and thought ‘what now’? It’s my metaphor for life like a police state bordering on totalitarianism.

Structure: You then seem to go from first person to third, as I’ve not witnessed a character introduction:

And when she reflects on her character, she struggles to see herself as generous or kind because she has been labeled as ungrateful and insignificant. When she contemplates that her life might be interesting, she looks back at others' opinions and finds it to be nothing more than boring and fruitless.

What I get is a sense of is getting away (distancing oneself) from life, witnessing it externally. It’s a mechanism to be rational and ease frustration, leaning into one’s own objectivity or need for a story taken over by someone else, in this, understanding the strife.

Finally:

Others think that someone so young has seen nothing of this world, but I believe I am much more perceptive than the average person my age. I’ve reflected on my own character, scrutinized my issues, and questioned why I have them at all. Why am I callous and cruel? To be called wicked without being recognized— is it an insult or a compliment to my character?

Now here, you might not name it, but you point to dehumanization. It’s character assassination by judgmental assumptors. If I’m relating, it’s people are cowards who use what little dominion over another, then punch and hide. It’s as if they stand on moral high ground. Without ever launching a fair question to address, society would rather label a person, shelve or file them away. It makes it easier for them than to deal with another. Perhaps, we are too complex to understand and that life boxes people in, forcing us into darkness to ask, ‘why me’? When really, it should be ‘what’s wrong with you’? That Q would mirror or launch back at pious, self-righteous jerks. Could go as far as mocking them with the comeback, “Who hurt you?” I’m careful to respond to Neanderthal narcissists.

I truly feel life and its inhabitants are difficult and prohibitive because they are weak, don’t trust and don’t address their own problems, turn heel on people who look and act vulnerable, keeping the upper hand. Your expository is halfway to realization that it’s life blowing smoke. No one gets to tell someone what to do, lord over others. Getting a foothold, working more on addressing those who hurt us, just say, ‘I feel unsafe dealing with you.’ It’s fair to speak recognized feelings. It doesn’t have to be reacting as they do, gaslighting Nazis. Show them what they are, damage they inflict. Be prepared. If they don’t respond, they know you’re right. Accept silence as their acquiescence.

Overall, you’ve really laid into a subject many address and deal with. When life meddles with people like us, the agents of its dehumanizing ways need a mirror to show them it’s unnecessary. It’s especially narcissistic to invoke oneself over another. I would never want to be in a position to hold dominion by arrogance over others. This is where you’re at in your self-actualizing process. If young, more maturation and experience will give even greater perspective. It’s just life. We’re all in the same boat. I’d tell to them to quit being a (pick your favorite body part or animal here, to shame). That they need to lighten up. It’s better to get along where we commune. Otherwise, it goes to a uniquely intoned, ‘who hurt you?’ Each time.

A pleasure to peruse. Thanks for sharing, helping remind me there are redactive people out there that need to be taken to life’s ‘woodshed’ and to get off my lawn. Nicer way to phrase it.

Brian
WDC DWG Group Reviewer



I’m legally blind, closer to just blind. Hard to edit what I write when I go on this long. Hope it’s readable and helps in any way. It’s been since last Fall when I gave consideration to this.

This review of your noted item could serve members of this writing community who need to ‘check’ someone. Your move. *Chess board pieces on the floor*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .