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 Review #4810826 |
 | Brian's Night Flight  [E] From the time he was a young boy, Brian always felt that he was different.  |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I felt for Brian right away. Being born on a leap day is already an interesting hook, but he feels ‘different’ in general, and not in a good, ‘special’ way. This changed when he had a strange prophetic dream, or rather, nightmare, in which he floated out of his body and saw his school burn down. At first, I thought that this wasn’t actually happening and that he might be able to warn someone just in time, but on this occasion, the dream didn’t serve a purpose other than Brian realising that he had some kind of special powers. And as his mother indicated at the end, perhaps he would be able to learn to put those dreams to good use and help others.  Suggestions: I noticed a few small errors, mainly in the dialogue. "Brian, wake up honey." his Mom was calling from the doorway. "Come on, now dear, your breakfast is almost ready." his Mom said The sentences continue after the speech with a dialogue tag, and you have correctly started the dialogue tag with a lowercase letter, but the period before the closing speech marks should be a comma. "I know that Mom...I saw it." his mouth quivered as the words spilled out. Here, I think it works better to leave it as two sentences with the period in the dialogue, but then the next sentence should begin with a capital letter: His mouth quivered… "How dear? How could you see it?" "You mean you saw it on the television?" she shot him a puzzled look. "No." "I was there at the school last night watching it burn!" Brian exclaimed. At first, I thought two different people were speaking in each paragraph, but then I realised that it was the same person (the mother in the first one, Brian in the second) but you have an extra set of speech marks that shouldn’t be there, in the middle. Could that be me? he thought. Thoughts are generally written in italics to show that someone was thinking - it makes it easier to distinguish between thoughts and the narrative.  Final Thoughts: The dream, as Brian experienced it, was quite terrifying. First, he saw himself floating above his body, then there was the scary flight across the treetops, and in the end, he saw his school in flames. He took it quite well though, and his journey, from feeling different to discovering that this was in fact a gift, was quite powerful. It was also nice, albeit not necessarily realistic, that his mother believed him straight away. Perhaps she had some knowledge of this gift before it was revealed to Brian though, and it might be worth hinting at this to make her reaction more believable. I think you have an interesting story here, and I enjoyed the read.    A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/15/2025 @ 9:07pm EDT