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Review #4816866
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 Happy New Year♥!　2 Open in new Window. [E]
【A message for golf and baseball lovers!】
by momorabo Author Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

I found this using the Random Read and Review button.

I presume you are Japanese and writing primarily in your native language with the help of translation services. It’s a bit confusing to read, as the culture of Japan is so different, with the terms and concepts, but I slowed down and generally found it understandable. You seem to be telling the story of someone’s life, a person with a bustling, active family of little siblings and elders in modern Japan.

One of the issues with this item is presentation. You have all the text piled into big blocks, separated only by a space at each vignette. English language writing requires paragraph breaks at each line of dialogue and each shift of action. This creates a more open and engaging reading experience. Also, you used the default font and formatting. The row of boxes on top of the text entry area is your key to adjusting the size and style of font. I always recommend Size 4 Verdana for the best results. And if there will be multiple vignettes in each item, you should separate them with centered asterisks, three will do…
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Also, your writing style is perhaps a bit unfocused. I don’t know if it’s because I’m only reading random chapters, but there’s a lack of any overarching narrative, theme, or plot. These elements are what keep people engaged in stories. Give your characters goals, stakes and obstacles, use tension, set up situations, even simple ones, that test their resolve and develop their traits, etc. As it stands, it’s a random gathering of moments and thoughts and situations that doesn’t seem to go anywhere. It’s a fun glimpse into modern Japanese lifestyle and activities, but it doesn’t draw readers in with emotional impact and the promise of a deep and exciting story of character development, conflict and personal relationships.

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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