DISCLAIMER – THIS IS ALL MY PERSONAL OPINION. DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL.

...sat bolt upright...
You state the paper tumbled to the floor but in the same sentence he reread the advertisement. Then later he gathers the sheets until he finds the advertisement. This bit needs to be smoothed. If he finally found the advertisement of his dreams he wouldn't let it go, not for nothing.

...tore apart the sofa...
You do a good job of showing us how frantic he is. It can be tightened up with shorter punchier phrasing, shorter sentences

...becoming increasingly frantic...
Sounds passive and AVOID adverbs wherever you can. You're telling us he's getting more frantic. Show us like you do with the action on the stairs.

...sat on a small rise...
Weather beaten is a solid descriptive but sad is passive and 'common'. I don't like posting rewrites as it feels presumptuous but here is an example ...The house sagged on a small rise, weather beaten and neglected, with peeling paint and gutters that had not been tended to in years. The house matched the fading and reedy voice of its remaining occupant.

This is a great piece. I think it could be even better as a longer piece. A real rollercoaster of a ride. You have a strong eye for intensity and description. With expansion and an eye toward increasing the ups and it would be 5 stars.

Thank you for sharing and keep writing.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .