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 Review #4830900 |
The Box  [ASR] A mysterious ancient power source threatens a father and son…  |
| (4.0)  A review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  First Impressions: That was a strong take on the prompt(s). To me, the one the story fit best was the Lodestar prompt - the Box was a mysterious, ancient artifact, and its rediscovery drove the conflict. But the picture prompt was used nicely as well. The opening image of standing on an empty highway with The Box in hand immediately set a sense of mystery and danger and the desert and canyon imagery was vivid and cinematic. The plot was quite exciting, and the way the events escalated worked well to create tension. It read like an adventure tale along the lines of Indiana Jones - in fact, it reminded me a little of The Last Crusade where Henry Jones, Sr. was obsessed with the Holy Grail for the whole movie but then gave it up in a heartbeat when his son was in danger. I did enjoy the dynamic between father and son here. There were lots of layers, and Peter’s fear for his father, mixed with resentment of his obsession, was very engaging and made their relationship believable. The dialogue mostly sounded quite natural, although there were a couple of instances where it seemed a little expository, but I suppose in a story with a tight word limit, you have to get the information across somehow!  Suggestions: I didn’t notice any technical errors, but I do have a couple of other suggestions: There were some descriptions that worked really well, for example this one: The piercing scent of sagebrush rode on waves of hot air - the imagery was vivid and it was easy to imagine this scene. I struggled a little with others, like this one: His leathery, wrinkled visage and wispy white hair belied eyes examining us with the sharpness of one decades younger. It’s grammatically correct, but it is a little convoluted. The unusual word order (“belied eyes examining us”) made me pause to untangle the meaning. For clarity, I would suggest making this a little smoother. I wonder if it would work to simply say “belied eyes that examined us” - it would keep the elevated tone but be a little clearer. I also noticed a bit of an inconsistency in the tone. Sometimes the story drifted between serious adventure writing and casual, almost jokey asides (“dang it,” “Jeepers,” “by golly”), and it lessened the tension at times when you probably don’t want that. I would suggest deciding whether Peter is supposed to be a serious, terrified teen or a wisecracking narrator. Right now he’s both. Also, I can’t actually imagine any teenager saying “by golly” which made me wonder when this story was supposed to be set - if it’s the 1940s, it might work, but the story felt more like late 20th century (pre cell phones and GPS, anyway).  Final Thoughts: Overall, I thought this was a good adventure story with vivid imagery and great characters. I particularly liked the tension between the two main characters, and the way you structured the tale, with the opening that links to the image prompt and Peter reflecting on the events that had brought him there. I enjoyed the read!
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You responded to this review 08/23/2025 @ 10:01am EDT