Hey there,

I am reviewing the entries for the Lodestar competition, and yours was next on the list.

“I stood in the middle of the road…” – Solid opening paragraph. Generally, I really liked the picture you painted. “The Box” was a nice touch, too, adding a bit of mystery to keep us hooked.

“I was sure he would hate me for it, but I must go on. If I didn't do it, civilization would be in danger.” – Hmm… I can see you a limited by a prompt here, though I wish this could be phrased differently, though. Using “he” instead of a name, feels like you are holding something back from us to create more mystery (which isn’t really needed, IMO), and the end-of-civilization thing comes out of nowhere and ends with the MC trudging on. It read a bit awkward to me, as if the sentences didn’t quite fit in with what came before and after.

“It all started a month ago, when my archaeologist father […] The piercing scent of sagebrush rode on waves of hot air” – I’ve highlighted text from two paragraphs here, because what struck was how different they were in their descriptions. The first one is quite formal, with a distant narrator describing their dad’s work. The second one starts with a much closer narrator, obviously there in the scene with their father, describing the sensory details.
Personally, I much prefer the second paragraph, but I can see both working in a story. It’s just that they don’t fit well together in the same story with the same narrator.

“It described a cataclysmic explosion, centuries before Europeans arrived…” – Nice. I can definitely see how this might be of interest for an archaeologist, especially if they find something that might explain this event through a less science-fictional lens. However, the bit about the secret fuel source makes it seem very much like something the author of the book has pulled from thin air, making it less plausible that a professor would spend their time on it. I do like that the MC calls their farther out on this. Though, I’m still wondering why he is chasing this myth to begin with.

““Your purpose is unwise,” he barked before Dad could open his mouth.” – Ha! Nice. I like this chieftain already.

“Dad was too broke and paranoid to hire a team” – Hmm… But renting a helicopter wasn’t a problem.

“Dad hugged it, gazing at it as though it were Baby Jesus.” – You have some really nice, vivid descriptions that make the scenery and the characters easy to imagine. Like this one.

“I could almost see thermonuclear radiation emanating from that horrible Box.” – Nice. I like the MC’s very moody-teenage way of phrasing things here. I do wonder how they can be so sure that the box is dangerous, though. I mean, they just found it and have barely looked at it yet.

““None of that matters,” he said, as if reading my mind.” – Uh, interesting. I am kind of hoping we don’t get an answer, but I’m really curious as to what has happened to the chief to give him the kind of magical/psychic powers he must have.

“The air was turgid as we descended into the mountain belly. Stalactites glimmered in the beams of our lights.” – Again, excellent setting descriptions.

“Well, Dad, are you happy now? I told you this was gonna end in disaster.” – Hmm… yeah, well. I mean, it nearly did but not because of the box but because of the MC’s fear of it.


Overall
I think the story starts out strong. There are some excellent setting descriptions, especially in that first paragraph, to ground us in story world. And you also create a strong hook in the opening by building a mystery around the box.

You also do a great job at creating a high-speed action-adventure plot from there.

There were areas where the story felt slightly underdeveloped, though, in regard to the character motivations. The father’s reason for chasing this wild story, the MC’s reason for wanting to destroy the box, and the father’s very sudden change of heart at the end. I can see all that making sense, but as is, it felt like we didn’t get enough details showing us why they acted the way they did. If I was to suggest one change, it would be deepening the character motivations.

Anyway, that was my thoughts on the story. I hope some of them will prove useful to you and that you will disregard the ones which aren’t.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .