Hey there,

I'm reviewing the entries for the Lodestar competition, and yours was next on the list.

"Yes, family — but how?" - Huh? This threw me off a bit. I'm intrigued by the beginning of the story, the mystery with just the right amount of details left out. But how did Erik get a DNA test of this guy to confirm they are family but have no idea how they are related? That seems off.

”Did he look like his father? Anders didn't keep pictures of his family.” – Right, so it’s only here that I realized it was a potential member of Anders’ family and not Erik’s we are hearing about, which might explain my initial confusion mentioned above.

“He always smiled as he said that, no need for pictures. Anders said he could see them when he closed his eyes.” – These are some really nice details, and great insight into Anders’ character.

“At least he was polite enough to accept a cold drink.” – Hmm… Now, I’m wondering about that DNA test again, because Talay seems pretty cold and uninterested in Erik’s reason for meeting, so how did Erik get in touch with him and then get a DNA sample on top?

“Outside, a young woman wearing a smile approached and light touched Erik's arm.” I guess “light” should be “lightly” here.

“They walked through the ruins and not-quite-ruins that rose up” – Nice. I really like the not-quite-ruins phrasing. It paints a pretty clear image of the derelict state of the area.

“Talay didn't say much to Khun4 Erik.” – I generally like the use of thai phrases, but this one felt off, since Erik is the POV, would he really describe himself this way?

“He pondered over his uncle having a husband” – Huh? Is he pondering out loud, or is Talay suddenly the POV (in which case, the narration has switched to an omniscient style very suddenly)? Either way, this threw me off.

“She'd named him Talay to remind her of the sun and sand of the sea. She didn't talk about his father though.” – I like that we get more details about Talay’s background and his connection to Anders. The timing seems right as well. As mentioned above, though, having this sudden change in POV to provide the information felt off since everything else had been tightly in Erik’s POV.

“I grew up in the mountains. I've never been to the sea.” – Wow, he really does kill every bit of conversation Erik attempts. I love how clearly you show this instead of stopping the story to tell us directly.

“My farfar's 7 family in Norway” – Again, it seems weird that Erik would this word now, in conversation with someone you wouldn’t know Norwegian.

“He'd been here many years ago but wanted to see it through the eyes of someone conceived by a tsunami.” – There is something lovely about this description, though it also made me wonder how being conceived by a tsunami would in any way affect how Talay saw the city. Presumably, him being more of a local to the area than Erik would affect his perspective much, much more.

“Yes. I can be ready by noon.” – Huh. That seemed oddly easy.


Overall
Like in your entry for last month, there are some lovely description, and you do a great job at creating the atmosphere.

Likewise, this story/chapter also feels like it’s very much about the characters and not so much about any external plot or tension. I liked this, though what tension there was present came from the uncertainty about whether Erik could convince Talay to come with him, which was resolved so easily it weakened the ending, IMO.

Much as I liked the story in general, I must admit it also kept throwing me off that I could not understand how Erik had gotten a DNA sample from Talay or ever even heard about him. Maybe it’s just me, but it seemed like the story started with a major plot whole.

That said, I think it work really well that we didn’t get told every little detail about them and their relationship, especially in the beginning. The bit were weren’t told up front made the story much more interesting.

Those were my thoughts and feeling about the story. I hope some of them will prove useful to you.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .