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 Review #4840936 |
Kingdom Key  [ASR] Two young cousins go on a treasure hunt in a castle haunted by many beings…  |
| (3.5)  A review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  First Impressions: The story had an interesting premise. You combined folklore and ghostly mystery with an adventure story set in an old castle. The two boys (from the way they spoke, I would say Pedro was maybe pre-teen and Jose in his early teens) set off to find a treasure, not because they were greedy but because they were poor and were about to lose their house. It was a lucky coincidence that Pedro had been studying about the old ruins and had already learned a lot about it when they got the news. Jose’s attempts to dissuade him by telling him that that’s where his parents disappeared had the opposite effect, so now they had two goals that pushed them forwards on their journey. As Pedro was a little younger, he didn’t immediately realise the danger they were in, but Jose, who acted like his older brother here, did his best to look out for him.  Suggestions: The story was very polished and I didn’t notice any technical errors. I struggled a bit in the middle part though, the part that should have been the most exciting, when they were in the castle. I felt the pacing was a little slow at that point, just when it should have ramped up. Of course, there were two elements to this part, the ghostly apparition of Pedro’s parents and the treasure hunt, and they needed to be handled separately. But Pedro’s reaction to his parents’ fate left me uncertain - he seemed to accept their possible deaths quite calmly, which made it hard to connect with him emotionally. The focus on the treasure felt more prominent than his sense of loss, and especially considering his age, I would have expected more of an emotional reaction. The part that particularly stood out to me was this one: “Come on, let's get outta here. If your parents were ever here, they're gone now.” “What about the treasure?” Pedro whispered, glancing around, aiming his light at the bones. “I don't wanna go home empty-handed.” A moment ago, he thought he was running into his mother’s arms, but then he found himself hugging a skeleton in the dark, and the image of his mother was gone. He must have been feeling something at that point - fear, loss, grief - but it didn’t come across. He shrugged it off and started to look for the treasure again. It didn’t seem like a believable reaction.  Final Thoughts: I think you have an interesting story here with an intriguing take on the prompt. The concept was certainly quite unique, and I liked the two characters, Jose in particular, and the quest they were on. The beginning set the scene well, and the ending wrapped everything up quite neatly, even provided the younger boy with a moment of closure when he could see his parents one last time. Where it fell flat, for me, was the lack of emotions. I felt that the middle part needed a bit of work to give the readers more of an insight into the boy’s feelings at that point to allow them to empathise with him. Of course I'm just one reader and this might just be my opinion, but since you have clearly put a lot of work into this story, I think it would be worth another look to see if you agree.
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You responded to this review 10/26/2025 @ 3:04pm EDT