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 Review #4846260 |
Coffee and Tragedy  [ASR] Is there something wrong with me, or is it wrong with you?  |
| (4.0)  A review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  First Impressions: This was a moving and powerful story. The premise was deceptively simple - a father picking up his son from the police station - but underneath it explored grief and emotional disconnection. The contrast between James the psychologist and James the father provided the central tension, and you used the conflict extremely well. His fatigue, his reliance on rituals (bad coffee, paperwork, routine), and his instinct to analyse rather than feel created a believable portrait of someone who hadn’t processed loss and didn’t quite know how to begin. The opening was strong: the absence of music in Denny’s room was an effective sign that something had shifted. The quiet house mirrored James’s interior state, muted and repressed. The repeated references to stale, thin coffee worked well; they became a metaphor for how life has tasted since his wife had died, and how little comfort he allowed himself. Denny seemed very realistic too. His clipped answers, his defensive smirk, and his refusal to explain himself all felt like the behaviour of a teenager who was hurting but didn’t have the language for it. The moment when he said, “I think you’ve forgotten how to turn on Dad mode since Mom died” was a punch in the gut without being melodramatic.  Suggestions: The story was very polished and I didn’t notice any technical errors. I do have a couple of small suggestions though: James being stuck in clinical mode came across very well in his narration, but occasionally it felt like he was over-explaining his own emotions. For example, the paragraph about his agitation after the coffee spill felt a little on the nose, especially since he explicitly commented on analysing himself as he mops up the coffee. It spelled out what the readers have already picked up through his behaviour. And the reconciliation scene between the two of them was moving, but perhaps a little too neat. They reached an understanding quickly after spending months (or longer) emotionally estranged. Even a moment of back-and-forth, like Denny hesitating, James fumbling the first attempt, would make their eventual connection feel more believable. You didn’t use the full word limit for the official contest or Lodestar - I realise it’s too late now but if you wanted to edit this afterwards, I reckon you could spend a few of those left-over words here.  Final Thoughts: I liked how you used both prompts for this tale, and especially the Lodestar one was well done. James emotionally abandoned fatherhood in favour of “shrink mode”, both he and Denny abandoned honest conversation, and even their home felt abandoned, a cold, quiet space that used to be warm. James and Denny needed their connection back, they needed the abandoned role of “Dad mode,” which finally got restored, and they needed to revive the abandoned home ritual (good coffee, shared space). It was a metaphorical interpretation but I thought it worked very well. Overall, this was a well-written emotional piece about connection rediscovered in the aftermath of loss. I enjoyed the read!
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