This week: When Shopping Was Easy ... Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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Panic and hoarding are appearing everywhere! Certain aisles of the big box stores are hauntingly empty. Will we ever be able to find another package of toilet paper before we are all confined to our homes? Forget Amazon, TP appears to be "Currently Unavailable."  |
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Amazon's Price: $ 15.99
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Hello, folks! Welcome to another addition of the Comedy Newsletter!
By now, you are quite aware of the dreaded Coronavirus which is wreaking havoc upon populations around the globe. I know there's nothing funny about that. However, there have been some amusing instances that have resulted in public places. People trying to practice social distancing, while sharing the bottled water aisle with potential threats to their health.
I went to the supermarket the other day to get a few items that were not toilet paper or paper towels, thus I was not a threat to the other shoppers who had their carts filled to the brim with those items, so much so that the shorter shoppers could barely see above their stacked items to manipulate the aisles. Cries of Ouuuuuch! could be heard as someone's tender heals were bruised by the cart of the one pushing blindly along the disinfectants' aisle. The last can of Lysol was at risk of being grabbed by the customer who was now limping her way toward the shelf, with an arm extended. And, it's a miss, as the tall gentleman above the aisle pulled a faster reach and the Lysol can was his. His wife stood, smirking and singing the praises of her tall man for his quick reaction time.
I got to the checkout lane and asked the cashier when their next shipment of paper goods and dairy and meat would arrive, because these shoppers were getting frantic. She said they have deliveries daily. I inquired: So, it's not a food shortage or paper goods shortage?
"Nope" she replied. "It's what we call panic shopping?"
In the pool, and at the clubhouse ...
I was speaking with a few friends in the pool and we were discussing the various precautions that have been put in place. The HOA at our clubhouse has just canceled all events throughout the rest of March. Now, we know that they hate doing that because these events bring in money -- well, all except BINGO which is non-profit on the organization's part. I found this out on the usual night for BINGO because the parking lot was bare. I could actually park Ruby close to the entrance.
When I entered the clubhouse, there were signs posted everywhere cautioning about social distancing and keeping gatherings fewer than ten people. I'm actually enjoying the quietness there while I get online uninterrupted by group events. 
At the churches:
My friends began talking about the precautions taking place at the church they attend. They felt more at ease since those safety measures were put in place. They said that there would be no hand-shaking during the sharing of peace with one another. Instead, parishioners are told to just nod or wave at a safe distance.
One of the friends stated that Communion would not involve sipping wine from the chalice, either. People are told they could skip the wine all together or dip the host in the wine rather than sip from the chalice.
Okay folks, you know where I'm going with this, don't you? I am a card carrying germophobe from way back!
"That's good to know" I replied. "However, what about those who decide to dip their host in the wine? You'll have fingers possibly going beyond the host touching the wine which means fingertips and nails are contaminating the wine. And you know how many germs can accumulate under fingernails, right? And the watered down wine ain't gonna kill all those germs"
"Why yes, WW, that's a good point."
Now that I had their attention, I continued. "Also, doesn't the priest hold the host in his own fingers? They are not immune to germs just because of the priesthood. I'm pretty sure clergy get sick and can pass those germs on via their own fingers."
Another friend chimed in, "That's true! I know Father Williams was getting over a bad cold recently."
"Also, before any of you get to the Communion part of the mass, back-up to the beginning. What is right by the door as you enter the church? It's the font of holy water, right? I watched as they each nodded. "How many people do you thing have placed their fingers in that water? I mean I know it's 'Holy' but I don't think it's germ free!"
"In fact, just thinking about it reminds me of when we were kids and our mothers or grandmothers would always tell us if we had a piece of candy and it fell to the ground, to pick it up and kiss it up to God to keep it safe from germs. We believed that back then because candy was everything to us. It was calming to hear those words and to be able to enjoy our candy free of guilt and bacteria."
Now my friends were laughing because they did remember those days of yore when money was tight and our treats were just that -- treats that were special, not expected all the time and would not be replaced due to the careless act of letting the treat fall to the ground.
I continued to warn them about the pews themselves and how many hands rest on them by people fighting off colds with hankies in hand to stop a sneeze in its tracks. Additionally, there's the fact that the prayer books set out, along with the song sheets, are handled by hundreds of people each week.
They agreed that germs are not just in the wine chalice but everywhere no matter where and we should all be aware of what we touch and keep the hand sanitizer handy before we touch our faces to push away a stray hair tickling the forehead.
As I was getting out of the pool, I cautioned them about one more commonly touched article, other than doorknobs, remote controls, phones, keyboards and those common everyday items we carry around with us. They were about to receive the ultimate germophobe education of a lifetime, folks.  I said, "I really get grossed-out touching those used books in the clubhouse library."
Shocked that a writer and avid reader would cringe at the thought of touching books, they asked why I felt that way.
Come on folks, you guys know why. Because we all know where many people tend to read books, don't we? That's right -- the bathroom! In just our little library alone, I wondered how many bathrooms those books have rested in before they made their way to the book donation table. Just sayin'
It's a lime-free, Corona wrap for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. 
Until next time -- Laugh hard, laugh often, AND keep your humor, as well as a respectable social distancing of course! We are all in this together and this too shall pass.
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Comedy: March 18, 2020 Issue [#10072]
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