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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/newsletters/action/archives/id/11880
Comedy: March 29, 2023 Issue [#11880]




 This week: The Weather
  Edited by: Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
                             More Newsletters By This Editor  Open in new Window.

Table of Contents

1. About this Newsletter
2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions

About This Newsletter

No man can taste the fruits of autumn while he is delighting his scent with the flowers of spring.
         —Samuel Johnson

Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'
         —Robin Williams

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
         —Mark Twain


Word from our sponsor

ASIN: B00KN0JEYA
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Letter from the editor

Now is normally the time when I rant about April Fools' Day. I can't do that this year, because I'm going on an adventure that day, and I don't want to jinx it.

Instead, I'll talk about a related topic, one certain to generate controversy and divide the world: the weather.

It's early spring here in the only hemisphere that matters. Birds are chirping (they used to tweet but left the platform in disgust), flowers are spitting pollen, and, just yesterday, I got dive-bombed by a bumblebee. So, yeah... spring.

Spring in my area is kind of like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. Warm and sunny? Warm and cloudy? Cold and rainy? Hurricane-force winds? Thunderstorms? Sleet? A blizzard? Well, it doesn't matter much, because I have the privilege of living in a house and being able to set my thermostat how I please. In reality, this means setting the heat to 74F and the a/c to 78F and leaving it like that all year.

Not my dad, though. My father was one of those clichés who insisted on absolute, fascist, autocratic control of the thermostat.

We weren't poor, exactly, but my dad was a kid during the Great Depression, and therefore absolutely hated to spend money. Our heating (oil furnace) was supplemented by wood stoves, which he had free labor (me) to provide the fuel for. As for air conditioning, don't make me laugh. We didn't have any of that newfangled stuff.

How cheap was my dad when it came to heating bills? Let me give you an example. Originally, the thermostat was located in the northern part of the house, a part that was, generally, colder than the rest of the house. Having the thermostat there made that particular room barely habitable in the winter (did I mention he also insisted on 64F?) while the rest of the house was quite pleasant, but only if you were sitting right next to one of the wood stoves.

When I was, I don't know, 7 or 8 years old, he moved the thermostat to right across from the kitchen: the absolute warmest part of the house. This had the effect of keeping the south side of the house barely habitable, with the northern part, where the thermostat used to be, covered in ice.

Worse, his iron-fisted control of the thermostat extended not only to temperature, but to time of year. He wouldn't set the heat based on outdoor temperature, but by the calendar. Every year, on the spring equinox, he'd make a big deal out of turning off the heat.

Inevitably, we'd get a cold snap in early April. "Dad, it's freezing! Turn on the heat!"

"But it's spring," he'd protest.

"It's twenty degrees outside!"

"Put on a jacket."

"I can't feel my hands."

"Go chop some wood."

"There's five feet of snow!"

"Shovel's in the basement."

Now, every time I look at my state-of-the-art, digital, programmable thermostat, displaying its nice, friendly "74" in big fat numerals on its screen, I smile.

After all, I got the last laugh.


Editor's Picks

Some funnies for your vernal (if you live in the One True Hemisphere) enjoyment:

 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor


 Father "Wacky Tabacky" Time Open in new Window. [18+]
Father Time thumbs his way outta town on New Year's Eve. (Dialogue 500 contest)
by phyduex Author Icon


Onomatopoeiamonotetra Open in new Window. [18+]
Written for the Spamslingers. Perhaps my worst poem ever.
by Ravenwand, Rising Star! Author Icon


 
Kemp and Lee and Kate and Ed Open in new Window. [18+]
Their relationship was complicated
by deemac Author Icon


 Mighty hunter Open in new Window. [13+]
An old man tells his granddaughter of a daring escapade in his past
by Arakun the twisted raccoon Author Icon


A Stray Fort or Two Open in new Window. [13+]
A bit of practice for your Brit accent impression and a larf as well
by Beholden Author Icon


 Two April Limericks Open in new Window. [E]
I hadn't tried to write a Limerick since elementary school it was super fun =D
by Alvin Maker Author Icon

 
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Word from Writing.Com

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Ask & Answer

Last time, in "SynecdocheOpen in new Window., I talked about a part of speech, but the comment refers to my previous newsletter, from February: "Groundhoggin'Open in new Window.

oldgreywolf on wheels Author Icon: No, no groundhogs in Alaska. We had hoary marmots, instead.

         Hoary Marmots should be the name of a cover band.

So that's it for me for March! See you next month. Until then,

LAUGH ON!!!



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