  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Melissa is fashionably late!  
More Newsletters By This Editor 
1. About this Newsletter
2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions
Life throws us curve balls, running us through a gambit of emotions. The best emotion of all is happines, and nothing envokes happiness more than laughter. There is a science to making others laugh, and it is through that science that comedy has evolved.
This topic of this week's Comedy Newsletter is anniversaries and puns. |
| ASIN: B07YXBT9JT |
Product Type: Kindle Store
|
Amazon's Price: $ 4.99
|
|
I've celebrated several Writing.Com anniversaries in a short amount of time. I've written for a year for this newsletter and didn't even realize it. Next week, my portfolio will be turning four years old. I'll also be celebrating my 1 year as a Contest & Activities newsletter editor. I thought I'd celebrate with some good, clean humor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed "Special Ross". After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him "Leonard Cheeks". Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched.
What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: "Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin' bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I hope that you found these good, clean jokes to be punny enough to tickle your fancy. In the meantime, send me a few of your clean jokes and I may put them in my next newsletter! |
Have an opinion on what you've read here today? Then send the Editor feedback! Find an item that you think would be perfect for showcasing here? Submit it for consideration in the newsletter!
https://www.Writing.Com/go/nl_form
Don't forget to support our sponsor!
| ASIN: B083RZJVJ8 |
|
Amazon's Price: Price N/A
Not currently available. |
|
What readers had to say on procrastination:
Oh man, Melissa, do I agree with you! Most of my success comes from procrastination. For instance, I received a high A (the teacher failed to give the number, but I know it was high because of how she graded it) on my senior term paper. I stayed up till midnight working on it, changed my whole thesis statement in the middle of Sunday, the day before it was due, and got almost a perfect score. She'd assigned the paper back in, like, April, and I of course didn't work on it till May. The truth of the matter was, I had to write something about William Wordsworth - not a biography, something else - and I had no idea what to write about. So it wasn't totally procrastinating. Or was it? 
Now I'm off to college, and I'm wondering if I'll be able to break the habit. *crosses fingers*
And thanks so much for featuring my poem, I was so surprised to see it, especially at #1. It's made my day. 
Hope you have fun at the convention!
dizzy
- dizzyduck
Thanks, dizzy! I did enjoy myself at the convention... maybe a little too much in some respects. Good luck with procrastinating through college!  And you're very welcome for the feature.
Yes, I procrastinate. There are so many things to do. If it's not due yet, don't worry about it. But sometimes the deadline gets there before I do. Ahhh, well. In fact, the things I care about get done.
- Come Fly with Me--Kiter
Same here. Who cares if I have 37 loads of laundry piled up as long as I have clothes to wear, right?
i am the worst procrastinator in the world. i have been known to wake up the night before a speech is done with a brilliant idea, write it then and there at 3 am and get an a+ for it =) and worse the times i have reserched i get stuck and put off the paper until the night before, scrap everything ive written and write something completly different and still achieve top mark. procrastination is the reason for my sucess.
- scribbler
I've often thought about starting a procrastinators group on Writing.Com, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.
Melissa,
Thanks for picking my blog! Procrastination has paid off for me, but only once that I can remember: freshman year at Saint John's University (MN) in my first writing course. Wrote the paper the night before it was due, typed it on an IBM Selectric, got an A. On most of the other papers, I got a lesser grade because the longer I let my internal editor think about something, the harder it was for me to produce something valuable.
- newmeadowuno
I've written plenty of things ahead of time, and then procrastinate editing it. My portfolio is full of items like that. 
I'm such a procrastinator that I procrastinated on reading this newsletter...but I'm glad I did! I work better under pressure, so procrastination generally works for me, unless of course something goes wrong. 
- Beyond the Cloud9 
Well I'm glad you did, too. I'd drop you an IM to thank you for the comment, but I have other things to do first.  |
| ASIN: B004PICKDS |
Product Type: Toys & Games
|
Amazon's Price: Price N/A
|
|
To stop receiving this newsletter, click here for your newsletter subscription list. Simply uncheck the box next to any newsletter(s) you wish to cancel and then click to "Submit Changes". You can edit your subscriptions at any time.
|
Comedy: August 16, 2006 Issue [#1206]
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
