This week: Handling Responsibility Responsibly Edited by: THANKFUL SONALI Love my family  
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| A couple of incidents set me thinking – about being on and off the hook when consequences are to be faced. |
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Dear Reader,
Recently, I found my cousin going crazy because her husband wanted to plan a 50th birthday celebration for his sister.
"Um, that's nice of him," I said, unthinkingly, to begin with.
"Nice?" she sputtered over the phone. "Nice? You realise I'm doing all the work?"
"Why are you doing all the work?"
"Well, because my dear laid-back, happy-go-lucky man didn't organise the venue or the caterer or the invites or the decorator or the music," she stormed.
"And he told you to?" I asked.
"He didn't exactly tell me to, but he wanted this party and he'd mentioned it to a lot of people who were expecting it, so I –"
"So you took it on yourself."
"Well, I had to. There wouldn't have been a party otherwise."
"So there wouldn't have been a party otherwise. So what?"
********* ********* *********
I have a friend (let's call him Sam) who does a lot of voluntary work with youth organisations.
He once brought along a young lady who volunteers alongside him. She was working on how to teach Spoken English to first-generation learners (those whose parents haven't been to school and don't speak English at all). Sam thought she (let's call her Emma) and I could chat and maybe I'd give her some ideas.
I had a board-game I used in my classes. It involved creating a story while fixing jigsaw-like pieces together. Having come over home for the discussion, Emma saw it on my desk and pounced on it.
"May I borrow this?" she asked.
Now that game was precious to me. I didn't take it out very often, and I certainly didn't want to lend it to anyone I hardly knew. But she wanted it for a good cause, so I said yes.
A couple of months went by, during which I'd dropped her a couple of gentle reminders about returning the game. Then I suddenly saw on Facebook that she has shifted to another city.
"What about the board game you borrowed?" I texted.
"It's in the office. Ask Honey, she knows where it is. You'll have to chase her, though, she's a forgetful thing."
I wrote back an email with a cc to Sam, saying I certainly wasn't going to chase anyone for the return of my property.
Sam was over at my place that evening, full of apologies. "It's my fault," he said. "I brought her to your house. I'll get the game back for you."
Emma got away with it. Sam chased Honey and brought the game back, having taken full responsibility for it.
********* ********* *********
I'm usually one who tries to take responsibility for my own actions, at least I hope I do, and I try to impart this to my students.
But I think what people also need to learn is when NOT to take responsibility for something.
I don't think my cousin needed to be responsible for her sis-in-law's party. I think she chose to take the responsibility and had to take the consequences of that choice – going crazy organising the whole thing by herself. If her husband wanted the party, it should've been up to him to see it through.
In the second incident, I'm an adult and I lent the board game to Emma. Yes, Sam brought her here and introduced her to me, but I chose to say 'yes' when she asked to borrow the game. I cc-ed Sam on the email to let him know what I was feeling, and he wound up taking responsibility for it. I told him he needn't, but he did.
The people who really needed to do stuff didn't do it, and didn't even feel a bit of guilt at making someone else shoulder their responsibility.
Were the people who took over being nice? Foolish? Indulgent? Actually irresponsible, letting someone get away with something? I guess that varies from scenario to scenario. All I know is, in these two cases, I found myself saying, "it's not your problem, don't take it on."
Thanks for listening!
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Thanks for the responses to "Family Secrets"
HollisFrances 
Thanks Sonali, my mom was the same way. i am not. But please warn your niece. not to say that she will carry on the same trait. Warn her that she has to be very careful to not marry someone who does have that same trait. It took me years to figure out that I kept getting into relationships where the woman did the same guilt trips. Once I figured it out, I was certain I was now safe. Not true! I've been married now for twenty years with the exact same attempts to make me feel guilty. The great news is I've figured out how to survive, have peace and keep smiling. How? Taking a higher level within my own spirit. I still get a little miffed once in a while. But mostly just feel sorry for her, and pray a lot.
Quick-Quill 
AMEN, Preach it! I grew up in an abusive home, but it was normal for the '50s. After a couple of years of marriage, I came to a moment when I heard the words, "You are becoming your mother. Is that what you want?" NO was my response. With God's help I was able to make that change and then view my mother with different eyes. I understood the picture between the lines. She was a product of her upbringing and never understood her parents. I see them through her and other family members. Family secrets.
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Spiritual: January 29, 2025 Issue [#12951]
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