  Comedy
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At the advertising agency where I worked as a copywriter, my colleague, a visualiser in his twenties, was just 3 feet tall. He had the same first name as another guy in the agency, so, to distinguish them, we referred to him as "small", "tiny" or "chhotu" - which means 'little' in Hindi. "Would you please get your little feet pattering over here?" we'd say, and then watch as his grinning face came round the door, just below the door handle. The day he rode his snazzy new motorbike to office -- complete with training wheels -- there was absolute chaos in the parking lot, everyone wanting to take a look, and crack a poor joke or make a silly pun. Chhotu beamed all over his face, basking in the attention, chuckling at the cleverer puns and wittier jokes.
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I'm myopic, and can't recognise people at a distance. This results in a lot of good-natured teasing by my friends. "There's Sachin Tendulkar," they might say, referring to India's star cricketer. "He's waving at you." That's just one of the ways they take a dig at me, and sometimes, when they've been really clever, I fall for the joke -- then they roar with laughter. I join right in.
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The point is -- in both these instances, the 'object' of the laughter didn't feel hurt or humiliated. In fact, both Chhotu and I joined in the guffaws supposedly at our 'expense'. Why? Because we were being laughed 'with', not laughed 'at'. In both cases, the laughter was a result of deep understanding, even affection. If Chhotu needed a file from the filing cabinet and couldn't reach it, or was trying to sit in a chair too tall for him, everyone around would jump up to help. If an advertisement he worked on won an award, the crowd around his desk spilled out from the room, into the corridor -- to congratulate him, to share his joy. As for me -- when I really need to recognise someone who is too far away I get nudged and whispered at umpteen times till I realise what is going on. If I go to the theatre with friends and can't see my seat in the darkness, I'm guided to it till my friends are "shushed" by other members of the audience.
Which is why, when his colleagues laugh, Chhotu laughs with them. When my friends giggle, I join in. We know we're being laughed 'with', it makes us feel we belong, we're special -- and, somehow, through the laughter, we know we can count on those friends for help and support when we need it. Our troubles can't be all that bad if someone can poke gentle fun at them. Harry Potter fans might remember the instance in "Chamber of Secrets" when Fred and George made light of the fact that Harry was suspected of being Slytherin's heir. Their jokes cheered Harry up in all his worry.
One of the most brilliant laugh-with writers is George Mikes. In "The Artist as Cook", he says, "Before you set out on the path of professional writing, you must remember that writing is an easy profession. Everybody can write; even among professional writers the percentage of those who can write is as high as 12.37. ... Writing is a nice, quiet occupation ... nobody knows what the writer is doing and nobody cares. Professional writing has only one great drawback. You have to write."
Coming from a writer to aspiring writers, that has got to raise a  !
Laughing 'with' creates an all round good feeling. It's a win-win situation.
Laughing 'at' on the other hand ... hmmmm. That sounds like a win-lose, or even a lose-lose situation to me.
To give a personal example - my neighbour and I often go for an evening walk together. Sometimes, if I've walked somewhere during the day (thus having exercised enough), or am feeling a bit unwell, I call and say I won't be joining her for a walk that day. This promptly leads to snide remarks about my being lazy or unfriendly. One day, I confronted her with this, telling her that I didn't comment if she canceled due to a golf game or dinner engagement, she should likewise respect me. "Oh that? I am only joking. I don't actually mean you are lazy or rude." Maybe I am being oversensitive, but to me, her tone isn't cheery - I feel I am being ridiculed. I get on the defensive about how much I've walked, or how I'm feeling under-the-weather.
So is 'laughing at' in the actual laughter, or in its interpretation by the recipient? It's probably a combination, I'm not sure. All I know is, if I hurt someone when I laugh at them, no matter how much of a laugh-with-joke I meant it to be, I apologise and clarify what I was trying to say. For me, laughter is meant as a bond, not a barb. I wonder, too, if those who constantly laugh-at in personal situations are actually insecure. They might feel on top at that time, but I have the sneaking suspicion that, if they get to thinking about it, they'd think, "If I were in that situation, would I be jeered at, too?"
I am pained at how laughing-at is becoming more and more common in today's world. There's a talent-hunt show on TV that I'm a fan of, except for the laughing-at that they do. It's a singing competition, and if someone with a lesser degree of talent tries out, the clip that is shown exaggerates the negatives. Sometimes, there's a medley with snippets of various below-par singers, purposely edited to create an agonising effect. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think that's on. 'But aren't the contestants setting themselves up for it?' you might ask. 'By participating, aren't they giving us the right to laugh at them if they're no good?' Well, I think that the contestants who want to raise a laugh are extremely obvious about it, by the way they dress or talk, and by their reaction to the laughter. There are others, who genuinely (and perhaps misguidedly) think they can sing. It must come as a rude shock to them to see themselves then made the target of laughter. I know if I were in their place, I would be wounded. It would probably take a while to bounce back. On the surface, I would 'be sporting' maybe pretend I don't care, maybe join in - I wouldn't want to lose more face by appearing to be a spoilsport. Inside, I would seethe with humiliation.
I think each and every one of us has a childhood memory of being laughed at in class or at the playground. Did the very mention of it bring back the acute hurt - just for a moment ... ? Isn't the feeling as vivid as the day it happened, years ago ... ?
What gives us the right to laugh at someone? So they tried out for a singing competition and weren't great. Should everyone be great at everything they try out for? So their clothes weren't exactly in fashion, or they were having a bad-hair day, or whatever. To me, none of these are good reasons to laugh at. Take a look at any of the teenage shows on TV today, and check out how many of them are about teenagers worried about being laughed at because of a pimple on the face. Why do their peers laugh? Who wins? Nobody.
Is it never okay, therefore, to laugh at?
There are only two situations that I see where laughing at is okay.
(1) When it brings about positive social change. When people take pot-shots and laugh at incompetent politicians who waste our hard-earned taxes ... or huge corporations that pollute the air and water ... if they cringe at being laughed at and change for the better - then laughing at is good. They've 'earned' being laughed at, by their actions. Chances are, other methods were tried before it came to the stage of cartoons in the newspaper or stand-up comedians on TV.
(2) When you're laughing at yourself. Provided it helps you - and provided  it's actually a laughing-with disguised at a laughing-at.
Jane Maas (who calls herself the 'only mother' of the I Love New York Campaign) wrote in her autobiography, "Adventures of an Advertising Woman": "One morning, a Telex arrived from the All-Japan Feminist Association in cooperation with the American Embassy. 'Considering to invite you to speaking tour in Japan,' the message began. I Telexed back immediately that I would be honored to accept. The next day a second message came from Tokyo. 'Considering, only considering,' it went ... "  A beautiful example of being able to laugh at / with oneself.
Barring these two exceptions, I think never laugh at, always laugh with, is a good guiding principle to go by.
Laughter, the proverb goes, is the best medicine. Let's not poison it. Let's have bonds, not barbs.
Thanks!
Sonali
PS: Please write in, folks! Do you agree? A lot? A little? Do you think I've taken the oversensitive way out? Waiting to hear from you! |
There are several awesome 'laugh-with' items on Writing Dot Com. Here are just a few of them! 
POEMS
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Feedback for " Comedy Newsletter (February 18, 2009)"
 In my last Comedy Newsletter, I'd talked about 'spontaneous' v/s. 'prepared' comedy.
I'd also requested links to your favourite comedy writers on Writing Dot Com.
Thank you, everyone, for your feedback!
Leger~  : Terrific newsletter Sonali, keep up the great work!
Thank you, Leger! So glad you like it!
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faithjourney: I find that the funniest things are the unexpected - like the opening of your newsletter. It's when you don't expect that wisecrack that it's the funniest to me. I'm just starting with comedy, but I'm learning a lot through this newsletter and the fine writers here. Thanks for the great newsletter!
Hey! So glad you've started writing comedy! Hope you've read some of the 'favourite' authors mentioned in this feedback -- they're hilarious!
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Acme  : Ace first newsletter, Sonali. You asked about favourite WDC comedy writers. Waltz Invictus  and billwilcox spring to mind, but if I love the sense of humor found in topseyand Kay 's blogs. When talking about 'spontaneous' (or possibly more 'conversational' comedy), you can't beat a good blog.
Thanks for the recommendations, Acme! Great to hear from you! PS: See Lauriemariepea 's feedback below!
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Just an Ordinary Boo!  : You are so right about comedy, there are umpteen types and you highlighted two of the most striking ones.
I find one more kind creeping into my stories, and becoming a leit motif, a signature. It comes from viewpoint. It comes in like fog, on little cat feet; before I know it, my kids - reading over my shoulder, are nudging each other and chuckling.
So much of my life might have been tragic if I let it, but there was an Irrepressible Me (often an Irreverent Me) that insisted upon making light of the darkest situations.
Even my Horror stories are a scream - not the terrified kind, more like the cackle of glee! I still cannot decide if it is gift or restraint, enrichment or detraction, blessing or curse. Whatever it is, the doctors have given up hope of a cure! Jyo
It's a gift, Jyo. A gift. And I for one am so glad you have it! Thank you for your feedback!
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KimChi : Great first newsletter!  Good information and funny to boot.
Thanks! Great to know you like it!
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Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  : Cheers, Sonali, for your wonderful first edition of the CNL! You did a great job. Did I say job? No, comedy is natural and it's fun, FUN, F-U-N!!! You are a natural! Ta, WW
Wow! Thanks, thanks! I'm honoured to know you enjoy my Newsletter! PS: See drjim's feedback below!
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Lauriemariepea : Hi, Sonali -- I have to say, Acme gets me chuckling every time I read one of her comical shorts. her grasp of the loopy and clever, the historical and absurd just tickle my funny bone. if you haven't visited her port yet, I recommend it!
Yep! Been in Acme's port! Laughed till I cried, sometimes! Thanks for writing in!
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drjim: Dear Sonali, My personal favorite is the ubiquitous Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas ; she writes from the heart, the Muse... and the Funny Bone! I enjoy her stories tremendously, gathered over a lifetime - and written is such a personalized, comedic way that I can recall nearly all of them - immediately offhand! Its this brand of writing comedy that makes it endearing, close-to-home, that captures the heart!!
I love the way you describe WW's comedy! Thanks so much for sharing this!
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Comedy: April 15, 2009 Issue [#2954]
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