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Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
Hi, I'm Sophurky ~ your editor for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. This week we'll talk about why vampires are suddenly SOOOOOO popular -- and less scary than they used to be. |
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What's the Deal with Vampires?!
Okay, first of all no, you have not accidentally stumbled into the Horror Newsletter -- this is the Comedy Newsletter. But why am I talking about vampires in the Comedy Newsletter, you ask? Well because I find it FUNNY that in the last several years, vampires have become so popular that they are the subject of countless novels, stories, movies, and tv series. Since when did vampires become mainstream and, well, less terrifying?
When I was a child I was terrified of vampires, as all good little children should be. In my case I had an older brother to help me with my terror -- he used to like to watch scary movies on television -- the old, really bad black and white movies with the creepy music, scary monsters, and horrible acting. He would trick me into watching one with him (I didn't stay in the room long once I figured out it was a horror movie) and then would taunt me for days, weeks even, about some particularly scary part of the movie I'd seen. While I found them all scary (yeah yeah, I was a big baby), vampires were the scariest.
How would he torment me, you ask? Well, I hate to tell you in case you decide to try some of it on your younger siblings but, for instance, late at night he'd stand in the doorway of my bedroom, in the dark, and laugh in that sinister "MWUAHAHAHA" way -- just loud enough for me to hear it, but not loud enough for my parents to hear so that when I ran to them, they'd tell me I was just having a bad dream. Or he'd pretend to be asleep on the couch or floor in front of the television and then suddenly snap stiffly to attention with his arms at his side and sit up, moving his arms to stick straight out like Frankenstein come to life. I would run screaming from the room to find one of my parents while he would laugh so hard he would almost bust a rib and once again claim that he didn't do anything. But his favorite thing to do, besides telling me that vampires really did exist, was to sneak up behind me and whisper, on the back of my neck, "I vant to suck your blood!" and watch me run off screaming. I was so traumatized by this as a child that for years (until I was about 25 years old), I would go to bed with a sheet pulled up and over my head, covering my neck (as if a thin sheet was enough to keep a vampire's sharp teeth from my neck), unable to fall asleep for hours.
When I was an adult the Anne Rice vampire books came out, featuring the chilling yet sexy Vampire Lestat, one of which was made into the movie "Interview with a Vampire" with Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Antonio Banderas. Talk about some handsome vampires, eh? In order to prove I was an adult and not an immature, easily spooked child, I went to see the movie for myself because everyone was talking about it, and I will admit that as good as the movie was, it also scared the heck out of me in the way a chilling, real vampire movie should (especially that part at the end in the car with Christian Slater)! My recovery time was better than when I was a child, and I was finally able to sleep through the night, with the sheet once again protecting my neck, just a few short weeks after I saw the movie.
But now vampires have become mainstreamed and popular -- and instead of our fearing them as we rightly should, we are falling in love with them. How did that happen?!?! And they are becoming almost normal citizens who live (well, if you call being "undead" living) and move among humans. There's the Twilight book series of course, made even more popular by the movie, "Twilight" and the soon-to-come sequels. What young teenage girl isn't in love with Edward and wishes they had a vampire boyfriend? Heck, even some women well beyond their teen years are in love with Edward. And for the older crowd, we have Bill from "True Blood" to fall in love with and hope he stops by for a visit with us. Heck, most of us would even let him give us a little bite, wouldn't we? And boy, Eric, what do we do with him? The handsome bad boy of the vampire world.
I'm still trying to figure out how this happened? When did vampires go from terrifying to attractive? When did we stop fearing them and start wanting to date them? What's next? Werewolves as in-laws and a zombie as our new boss at the factory? Seriously, we really ought to do something about this before it gets even more out of hand. And I would, really -- but there is a "True Blood" marathon on HBO right now and I've got to run and find out what happens to Bill and Sookie and Sam and ...
Sophurky |
Below you'll find some comedic offerings from other WDC members about vampires:
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Now for a few comments about my last newsletter about summer's end and going back to school:
From Thomas 
As much as I loved summer vacation, I looked forward to school as well. I think I like a little bit of regiment and little kick in the pants to be social. School provided both of those to me.
Ah, good point about the social "kick" -- and I think I liked the "orderlyness" of it too.\
     
From faithjourney
My husband works for the school district, and his busiest time of the year is always when the teachers return (he's one of the administrative workers that don't get summers off). This is the one time of year I don't envy teachers a bit! I hated making that adjustment when I was in school. While it stinks to have to work all summer, at least I don't have to shift those particular gears again. I know it's all pain and agony for them right now.
Yup, most of my teacher friends were pretty grumpy or sad for their last week of "summer." Now they are three weeks into it and are somewhat more resolved to their fate, lol.
From writersblock54
Dear Sophy,
This was a great newsletter! I agree summer vacation has gotten much, much shorter! But the real reason I'm writing is because I loved the way you described the feelings of going back to school. I'm just like you were, new school supplies is one of my favorite things. (Though I do like summer break too.) And I am the total school nerd who actually likes learing. 
Thanks for such a great newsletter!
~Writersblock54
Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for letting me know! Now I must go find some nice new pencils to smell!
From matthewhuge
My littlest one was in preK last year and started Kindergarten Monday, she was so excited to go back to school. That was Monday, Tuesday she did not want to get up, and this morning, she cried the entire time I was dressing her and she brused her teeth, she is not a morning child. After school she is good and happy to be back, but I'll be glad when she gets used to waking up at 6:30.....
Oh goodness, who can ever really get used to waking at 6:30am, that poor child. Too bad she didn't get afternoon Kindergarten (or do they go all day now)? I got afternoon K and loved it -- sleep in, lunch at home, then off the school. I cried when it ended and I had to go all day for 1st grade.
From sarahreed
I was one of those geeks who loved to go back to school. Not so much now as I can't even begin to think about going back to college to get a higher degree. The idea makes me shudder. However, I still love learning and I am amazed by how much great information is out on the internet. Wikipedia is one of the greatest inventions ever.
Yes, I can only imagine what a genius I would have been in school with the internet and Wiki out there!
That's all for this month -- see you next time! And on behalf of the other regular Comedy Newsletter Editors, Robert Waltz  and Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  remember to WRITE AND LAUGH ON! Sophurky
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Comedy: September 09, 2009 Issue [#3264]
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