  Spiritual
This week: Tis the Season for Gifting Edited by: THANKFUL SONALI RIP BIKERIDER  
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Random thoughts about Gifting |
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 Thought, thought - a lot of thought
About what is to be bought
For family and for friends
A Christmas list that never ends!
 Shop, shop, search high and low
It has to be just so, you know
To make her happy, to make him smile,
I'll go the extra mile!
 Presents, piled under the tree
From Santa Claus to you and me!
Presents, presents, everywhere
From all the folks who care!
 Presents, presents, on the floor
Presents piled against the door.
Presents, in rows arranged
 Loved -  liked -  to be exchanged.
 Presents, waiting in the queue
Why didn't this one please you?
We've been jolly, now 'tis the season
To exchange, for a reason!
It's everywhere. The Christmas cheer, the rush for gifts: the stress of getting them selected, bought and wrapped on time ...
Unwrapping them - the anticipation, the excitement, the delight, and sometimes, the disappointment.
Reams and reams have already been written about gifts. About those who give them and those who receive them.
About how to choose them, use them or lose them! (Sorry, I couldn't resist that internal rhyme, it seemed to fit!)
I just want to share a few of my experiences with gifting, and a few random thoughts that these have given rise to:
It's the Thought that counts
Thought. Usually, we associate this with the thought put in by the giver, to choose the gift.
But what about the receiver?
I'm fairly fussy when it comes to clothes, I like certain cuts and long-sleeves, since I am conscious of my weight and I burn easily if my arms are exposed. One birthday, my friend picked a shirt for me which met all my requirements. Except that it was a tad too tight. I wore it, with a jacket on top to hide where it was too snug. "Did you like it?" she asked, eagerly. "Yes," I responded, thinking it was the polite thing to do, to avoid telling her about the size. Next birthday - "Since you liked the last one, I got another with a different colour and pattern." This time, a jacket wouldn't have worked, and I had to confess that I wouldn't be wearing the shirt. Should I have been honest from the start? Would that have been the more thoughtful thing to do? Maybe ...
It's more blessed ...
I come from a big family, and my aunts and uncles are generous. I wonder, sometimes, if they need to be a little less generous. It's just Dad and I at home, and they invariably send far too much food, if it's food they're sending. (My aunt sent us forty packets of snacks once, with a shelf-life of two months. That works out to ten packets each a month - a packet every three days! I became popular with the neighbours, sending across packets of snacks!) Or, my aunts buy expensive clothes, watches or accessories which don't fit my lifestyle. They know I like books, but they're not readers themselves, and do their best to pick for me. Sometimes, they hit the mark. Sometimes, they don't. I've often wished they'd just give me cash, but telling them that would probably be taken badly.
Then - I was at a sale and saw the cutest pajamas for twelve-year-old girls. All pink and white and striped and dotted. My niece is twelve and lives in Australia, I don't really know her well enough to understand her taste in pajamas. But I bought two sets for her and sent them over. Now, I was the aunt. I wondered if she would like them, or wish I'd just sent her the cash ... I was on tenterhooks till my cousin (her Mom) emailed saying she loved them. Even then, I hope it isn't that they were just being polite .. I guess I'll never know, until maybe the pajama sale comes by again ... ?
So - it's more blessed to give - or to receive - or both - or --- I'm not sure! 
Things
'It's just a thing!' we hear people say.
But some 'things' take on a meaning, because they have a history, a memory. When Dad visited Africa, I asked him to bring back a few inexpensive gifts. He did - a little necklace, a paper-holder which we now use for incoming snail-mails. Every time we use those things, it brings back memories of his trip. He tells how he tried to bargain with the owners of the shops he visited there, I recall keeping track of time differences so that I could phone him. The 'things' bring back the memories.
The naughty and the nice
I'm wondering about 'internal' and 'external' rewards here. While a pat on the back is certainly welcome for good behaviour, shouldn't there be some internal satisfaction in behaving well, and a certain discipline to be kept up on one's own, and not just for the reward? "If you don't finish your homework, Santa won't bring you any toys." - So that's the only consequence of not finishing homework ... ? What happens to the child's own sense of responsibility? What happens when the child goes to college, and to work? Will s/he keep looking for 'Santa' to reward good behaviour and mete out consequences for bad?
Similarly, if you help with family chores, shouldn't your first reward be that you belong to a family and that everyone loves everyone else enough to contribute to the smooth functioning of the household, so that you can stay together ... ? I think it reduces the internal glow, if contributing to family chores just means you get another store-bought item. Sure, store-bought items have their place, but I think internal rewards are more deeply satisfying and last longer - the external reward shouldn't reduce the value of the internal.
Re-gifting
I seem to remember Rachel, in "Friends" screaming at someone - "You are a re-gifter!" It was a dire accusation that made me shudder - because - here it comes - I am a re-gifter. Phew. Did I just make that confession out loud? Yes, I did!
If you're shocked about this, I'm sorry. Hope this explanation helps!
Mostly, I buy gifts for people. But it sometimes happens that I receive a gift that I can't use, for some reason or other. In that case, I give it to someone who (I hope) can use it. Here in India, we don't have the same system for exchanging gifts that some countries have. Instead of the gift lying around in my home, I figure it's better someone uses it! I've received re-gifts, too, when people have told me 'someone gave me this but I can't use it, can you?' and I've been fine with that. Actually, it reduces stress sometimes - when I have to choose a gift for someone I don't know too well, I think, "Oh, well, if she can use it, great, if she can't, I hope she passes it on!"
In short - I don't think re-gifting is a crime!
Boy Meets World - about Gifting
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105958/
Fans of the TV show 'Boy Meets World' might remember sixth-grader Cory's famous cry, about receiving several more sweaters at Christmas - "What's the thought behind wool? This kid doesn't scratch enough?"
Or - this one
Alan: You know, Cor, when I was a kid Christmas was about appreciating your gifts because they were given with love.
Cory: Oh, right. Glad that's over.
One episode I particularly remember - Cory gives his coveted basketball to his best friend Shawn, because he finds out that Shawn won't be getting 'cool' (read - expensive) gifts that year, since his Dad has been laid off work. The plot twists, and Cory and Shawn aren't speaking to each other. Their teacher, Mr. Feeny, questions Cory's motives behind giving the gift. "You gave the gift to get the thanks," he accuses.
Always in style!
It has its ups and downs, its stresses and exasperations, but overall, I think gifting is an important part of who we are as human beings. Fashions may come and go, but giving gifts is always going to be in style - thank goodness for that!
Sonali
PS - Here's a recent Newsletter on a related topic! "Spiritual Newsletter (November 9, 2010)" |
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A big Thanks to those who responded to "Spiritual Newsletter (April 14, 2010)" ! I appreciate your feedback.
Those were some very valuable lessons you learned about how to relate to the kids and earn their respect. As you so well put it being a role model does not mean being someone else. Too many times we make the mistake of thinking we have to become someone we are not to be liked, but it is when people see that we are being honest with them that they either like or don't like us and usually it is the latter unless they are jealous. -- From Christine Cassello 
A terrific message in your newsletter Sonali, Very well written to make the impact. -- From monty31802
Sonali. I reviewed the choices you had in this newsletter and they were all top drawer items. I especially got a kick out of the Calgon moment on from ruwth. Thank you for featuring Judy B's Memorial and In & Out, you honor her with these choices. -- From Steve adding writing to ntbk.
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Spiritual: December 21, 2010 Issue [#4136]
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